rayzworld

It's my what???

2012-01-09T10:14:00.001-05:00

Who gives a rats ass.

Need new glasses

2011-06-16T07:55:00.001-04:00

Took my little girl to one of the TWO FRIGGIN REHEARSALS for her recital yesterday morning and as she's leaving the stage she's handed a sheet that shows the classes for the upcoming year.

Looking over it I read "Jazz dancing....tap....ballet....Zumba....guitar lessons....wait,...Adult Marital Arts??? WHAT THE......!!!"

Are they insane? Marital Arts>??? Really! When the kids leave is that just a big giant brothel in there? So I underline it and write "WTF!!!!" next to it and leave it for my wife to get a laugh. Now i'm SURE I don't want us going to this place again.

Later that night she's looking at it and i'm SHOCKED she's not as blown away as I am. I'm like "LOOK!! Marital arts!! What the fuck is that???"

She proceeds to roll with laughter and nearly falls off her chair. For the class I read as "Marital Arts" was indeed.....i'm sure you know by now....."Martial Arts".

As Gilda Radner's character Emily Latella would have said "Oh....never mind".

3 Wishes

2011-06-04T21:54:00.006-04:00

I've been to Kennywood quite a few times and at least once a year with my daughter Meghan. In all those years I never knew that Kennywood had a wishing well.

So on our way out, Meghan decided she wanted to make a wish or two so I gave her a few pennies.

As she tossed the first one in she broke her promise to keep the wish secret. She said "I wished my Mommy would be with me always". Awe, how nice.

So, she has a penny left and I'm waiting for me to get the same wish. So she tosses it in and I say "Meghan, what did you wish for?".

She turns to me and says "A unicorn!".

WHAT?!?!? No no no....I gave her more change. I could just feel the Karma coming down on me. No no, she HAS to wish the same for me.

"Come on Meggie....wish the same for Daddy too". She took the dime (I upped it from a penny) and tosssed it into the well and said "I wish my Daddy.....". "Yeah yeah....go on". "I wish my Daddy had a unicorn!".

Next time she wants a toy, I'm telling her to ask her unicorn.

If they make themselves available....they're asking for it

2010-10-30T18:43:00.009-04:00

Right now as I sit here I am nervous about our future. Even more so with Spendy McHealthcare in the White House. Because you have a large mountain of nutjobs out there who, rather than help you or me out, just want to show Obama they have a bigger dick than him. Face it, that's reality. So come Tuesday, we're gonna usher in one hum-dinger of a pissing contest and you and me are the ones that are gonna get wet.

ANYWHO...the commercials were getting just downright mean and nasty but the phone calls really pissed me off. I started to think, do these nitwits know I hung up on them? Is there a way they can tell that I cut them off right after I heard the sales pitch start?

THERE IS!! And thank YOU Google for again helping me find the answer. And thanks to this nudniks for helping me out by providing the online chat function. SO really, it's their fault (not mine) that I had to be a dick. Observe what happens when I ask the rep if they can show if a message was heard in it's entirety or if someone (me) hung up.

What aisle are the chains in......

2010-10-26T19:53:00.002-04:00

"Miracle Whip...Miracle Whip...". I repeated this to myself over and over again as I had the most MONUMENTAL of brain farts. Where is it in the store? See, I don't use it so there's no familiarity there but I have heard of it and seen it, .....where? My wife asked me to pick it up. As I strolled down the dairy aisle I see several "whips". I see Ready Whip and Cool Whip.....in an ordered and well meaning society, shouldn't ALL the "whips" be together?

"Okay I give up, where is it?" I ask my wife on the cell phone. "In the condiment aisle...near the dressings". Sure enough, there it was.

When I become President, I pledge a uniform and orderly grocery store with aisles like "round things" and "stuff you eat when there's nothing around to make a sandwich with" and "stuff I eat when there's a game on" and the ever popular "frozen crap that's NOT ice cream". Finally, a grocery store with not a HINT of a man on a cell phone begging for help from his wife.

Is it just me

2010-10-07T13:42:00.001-04:00

Am I the only one grossed out by the Jimmy Johnson Extenze ads? The one where the girl goes "Jimmy, do you really use it?". "Yes, I really do!".

If I was there I'd have both fingers in my ears going "Grandpa!! Shut up!!! La la la la la....i'm not LISTENING!".

Greg Geraldo

2010-09-30T21:32:00.004-04:00

Brilliant comic (he was a Harvard educated attorney at one point) and tremendously funny guy. Gone at the too young age of 44. Watch this clip.

Has this ever worked?!

2010-09-30T20:01:00.005-04:00

I did telemarketing for TWO days, and one of those days was training. I wanted to make extra money in the evening. Actually that's a lie. I told myself I wanted to make extra money, what I really wanted was a job I could have and tell them to fuck off at the drop of a hat. "Whaddya mean I'm five minutes late! I don't have to take this abuse...I quit!".

But while I was there I got to experience what it's like to beg someone to listen to you. Someone who had better things to do than listen to my schpiel for them to sign up for my credit card. I thought that was the bottom rung of the job ladder. I was wrong.

I think below telemarketers has to be the guys calling begging for money. And it's always the same, pleasant hello, passionate plea, lots of your neighbors are doing it...then hit you for money. And that's my FAVORITE part. They tell you what other suckers have given in the hopes that they can guilt YOU into giving the same amount. "Most of the people in your neighborhood have given $100, could we put you down for that?". Hey, I'm patient with them. I sympathize....but this latest one was my new all time favorite.

I got a call from Planned Parenthood. Poltics aside, I have no problem with an organization that helps kids with no place to turn to. But their pitch was priceless. "Sir as you know these are tough times and we receive no government funding and we want to keep our doors open, would you be willing to give $150.00?".

Yeah, ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS.......an amount I haven't given in one donation to cancer, muscular distrophy,....that guy I owed $150 too, NOBODY! And this guy wanted me to fork over that kind of cabage to him? "$150?!?" I said "I'd abort somebody mySELF before I'd give you clowns $150!".

I do something for people in that crummy job donations can't do. I ground them....and remind them that most things just plain suck and the best you can do sometimes.........is laugh.

Who'll be in the benefit concert?

2010-09-12T07:07:00.005-04:00

Usually the thing that wakes me up is one of my seemingly never ending trips to the bathroom at night. For I, have the bladder control of a septuagenarian. I tend to not sleep as much as I nap between pit stops.

So imagine my surprise when I awoke to an itch, a bizarre and strange itch on both of my hands. I immediately start rubbing both hands together in a manner that a Boy Scout might use to start a fire with two sticks. This is how it all started.

What followed was weeks of a skin irritation I chalked up to new soap. Nothing to be concerned about. That was until I started to get what looked to be acne..........on my fingers. Apparently a little later than usual my fingers JUST now were going through their awkward teen years. They'll never get a date for the prom now.

My wife convinces me it's okay to go to one of those drug store clinics and I do. There's a special magic you feel waiting to see a medical professional 5 feet away from a rack of Depends undergarments and looking up the shaving cream aisle. So the nurse on duty suggests it's just an irritation from a plant, poison oak or something which up until then I had assumed (and been told) I was resistant too. I had never had a poison ivy breakout. Poison Ivy?!? Pffft! I put that shit in my salad!

Off I go then to use the cream they prescribed. Only problem is, it never goes away. NOW I go see the REAL doctors, the one that you don't go down aisle 5 to see. It takes this guy 2 seconds to say "Eczema" and then I'm done and on a medication that seems to be working.

What I find out later on the internet shocks me though. This isn't just something I caught once and it will fade away in my memory years later.......this, is a disease.

That's right I said it, eczema is a full blown, chronic, never getting rid of it disease. It's like having a venereal disease without the benefits of all the sex. There's a foundation (http://www.nationaleczema.org/) and they take donations and all that crap that you'd see for a full blown....well, disease!

THIS just might be the cause i've been looking for. It's time for me to get active, to get involved. I'll organize fund raisers...yeah! I'll become THE face of this pain in the ass affliction. I can just see the TV commercials now "Hi, I'm Ray....if you're one of the millions affected by this illness I want you to know you're not alone. Look at little Timmy here, so young....so innocent....so itchy....won't you please help him?". Now I just need to convince Bono to write a song for it and i'm set!!

Crowds suck

2010-09-05T19:38:00.008-04:00

So okay, the title is about a 3 on a 1 to 10 scale of creativity. I wanted to write about this past weekends trip to the Columbus Zoo and the IMMENSE crowds I experienced. I guess I could have gone the "crowd-zilla" route, but trust me, this was a nightmare for someone who likes to leave concerts during the encore to beat the traffic.

Why the Columbus Zoo Ray? Well, voice in my head it's really quite simple. It's far away but not TOO far away that I want to take an ice pick to my temple by the time hour five rolls around on the drive too it. AND,...it just so happens to be an awesome zoo, rated number one on this list.

We got there around noon due to the nearly FOUR HOUR long drive. So you think by twelve'ish, the lines to get in wouldn't be that long, I mean, it OPENED at nine? WRONG! We got in line at like ten to twelve and I looked behind me to see what appeared to be a Steeler game letting out coming right for us. "Are you KIDDING me?". The name of the game for the next trip....NO TRIPS ON A HOLIDAY!

People loose their effing (that's right, I said effing) minds when kids are concerned. By that I mean, nobody would intentionally elbow you or kick you in the side normally, but with a kid in tow all common decency gets tossed right out the window. "Yeah, I elbowed you in the back, sorry, trying to maneuver my kid here". This happened everywhere and the kicker was, going to eat. We HAD to get something to eat. You can't just let a 4-year old go hours without food. Every friggin line was PACKED. I waited in a line (not 10 people deep) a good 45 minutes for two cheeseburgers and some chicken tenders. I think i'm gonna cry the day my daughter says "PLEASE Dad,....if I even LOOK at another chicken tender, I'm gonna be sick!". "I don't think I've ever loved you this much honey.....GIVE DADDY A HUG!".

The best part about this is, we spent this morning in the hotel pool and just like every other trip we've taken if you ask my little girl what was her favorite part.....the food daddy waited patiently for 45 minutes for......the 10% of the zoo we saw due to crowds.......I know darn well it would be, the pool. Oh, that and the dogs jumping into the pool competition (dock dogs) we just happened to see at Cabella's on the way home. You know.....the FREE stuff.

Check this out though. I got AMAZING video from this exhibit.

The Big J

2010-08-01T18:39:00.002-04:00

Faith to me has always been very personnel. When I DID go to church on a regular basis it wasn't to form some sort of fellowship with those in the church, I was going for my own benefit. Okay, ya got me,...I went because my mother MADE me go..happy now?

I know enough about my faith to satisfy my needs which makes me what I would consider your run of the mill Catholic. So when the time came to explain God and Jesus to my 4 year old it was a struggle. She's starting pre-school soon and it's at a Catholic school and there's a very strong chance she'll wind up in a situation where she'll have to play a part in the "kneel down, stand up" dance I call the "Celestial Hokey-Pokey" that is my faith. So I decide now with about a month to go is as good as time as any.

My wife and I decide that we need to get her acclimated to going to church so we take her and I decide to lay a few nuggets of info that I have on her.
"See that Honey? That's Jesus".
"Is he on the cross".
"Well no, he's just got his arms outstreteched dear".
"Is he flying?"
"No sweetie, he's the savior, he's not Superman......or IS he".

So then the questions start.........and they are doozies.

"Why did they put him on the cross?"
"Well, honey...they were bad people:.
"Why where they bad?"
"Well,...they just were, now pay attention".
"Why he die for our sins dada"
"Okay look....that's all I know, happy? I'm a bad Catholic....okay!"

Of couse I didn't yell at my daughter in church. We did like all good Catholic parents did. We waited till we got to the car. Amen.

I'M FREE

2010-07-18T07:50:00.004-04:00

Got to go out and see a comedy show last night. Yes, I miss doing that very much....doing the comedy thing that is. Being in a bar never really appealed to me me. Don't get me wrong...I luz mah alcohol, but I miss telling jokes and getting that immediate reaction from a large group.

Boo

2010-07-02T21:14:00.002-04:00

I won't watch those ghost hunter shows and here's why. I have a theory that ghosts are around us all the time and they're cool about being around us. They don't bother us, we don't bother them. I'm afraid I'm going to have that ghost hunter show on TV, go to change it and THAT's when they really notice me and go "No no no wait....turn that back...was that Frank?".

Thanks for the help

2010-06-21T08:20:00.003-04:00

Saw a truck today with a fire fighter logo but a huge emblem on the back that said proudly "I fight what you fear!". So i had to stop him at the next light and roll down my window and go "How do you kill them!". "What?". "Monsters!".

I KILL me....

2010-06-06T19:55:00.002-04:00

So I posted a Happy Birthday message to a coworker, a young innocent coworker who really doesn't deserve my brand of evil.

I put several phrases on his Facebook page in several different languages.....Croation, Czech, Polish, and ended it with "In any language, have a happy birthday".

Nice, right? Except every language when translated said the same thing - "Go blow a goat". Really, when you think about it, if you got that far that you went to translate it, I think you too would even laugh.

Poor Frack,...we hardly knew ye

2010-05-14T08:17:00.002-04:00

"Ah, honey? I think this fish is dead". After a goldfish that lasted less than 24 hours in my care, we decided to move on to a more hearty fish, guppies. Prior to that point I heard the word "guppies" and thought one of two things......bait and or pond dweller. That's where I assumed they came from. I thought of guppies as a fish that needed minnows in the world to feel good about themselves. "Sure I'm a guppy,...at least I'm not a minnow".

As it turns out, guppies are pretty nice looking fish and I almost can't see them on the end of a hook to lure a BIGGER fish....ah, to my fishing hook. I bought two guppies (we named them Frick and Frack) for my daughter to see and admire. As all child pet stories end, your's truely ended up doing all the care. Poor Frack, he might have faired better had the 4 year old taken interest.

ANYWHO.......they lasted the day...then more days.......then weeks. It seemed as if I had found my nitch fish, the guppy. I enjoyed seeing them come up to the top to feed. Even if they did feed like finicky toddlers and just nibble a flake or two letting the bulk of it fall to the pebbles below.

So one thing happened that may or may not have contributed to poor Frack's demise. The filter in the tank consists of a square fabric like ...ah, filter...that has charcoal in it and rests on a ledge on top of the tank. A pump below pulls water up and just spills it over the filter to get....filtered (need another word....fancied up??) and sent back below. Well lately the filter has been saturated and not all of it makes it out fancied up. Some of it escapes over a spillover area to the left of the filter.

I don't know if water quality contributed to the demise of Frack or the constant stream of water that came out stronger than from the filter. They seemed to be wary of it and huddled in the corner away from the filter. One day I saw Frack sort of swimming on his side. At that point I thought he'd gone and got the net. But as soon as I touched him....BOOOM, he was off. I don't blame him. If someone showed up to cart me off because I was just asleep.....I would have jumped up too.

This time, Frack clearly was gone. He was floating belly up (hey!! Is that where that phrase came from?). My wife said "He's probably just sleeping". Ah....no. Belly up??

So I get the net and have to make a small current to make him float out from under the filter so I can get him. This all made me wonder how Frick felt, now he has the tank all to himself. He seemed happier..if that's possible. "Thank GOD!! HE's gone.....yak yak yak yak yak......dude never shut up!". We're going to end up getting him some companionship soon. I may have to go to a different pet store soon before they start putting my picture up with a big sign "FISH KILLER".

Yes, I'm a d*ck

2010-05-07T20:43:00.002-04:00

SWEAR TO GOD this happened;

"Hello, is Ray there?".
"This is him".
"Oh hello Mr. Cavender,....this is Connor Vern from the DNC".
"What?!? Oh your name is NOT Connor Vern".
"Sorry? Ah..yes...yes it is. It's Scottish".
"Scottish? Sounds like a porn name".
"Okay,..well, we're calling because the Republican smear campaign is in full swing. Operation Code Red. And we're counting on people like you to help fight. Most of our donors are giving upwards of $100, can we count on you?".
"Well...CONNOR Vern....if that IS your name, I'm actually registered as an Independent now..so I'm afraid I'll be giving my money to someone a little more independent minded".

Actually....I don't really give a shit who's running. But a hundred bucks?!?! Please!

SLEEEEEEP

2010-05-01T08:24:00.002-04:00

There's a new study out by Professor Chris Idzikowski from the Sleep Assessment and Advisory Service that says how you sleep determines your personality. For example, those who sleep in the fetal position are sensitive but still with a tough exterior. Those who sleep on theri backs are said to be reserved, quiet, and keep high standards for themselves. Alas, the article was incomplete. I guess I'll have to keep wondering about myself as I fall aslseep on the carpet in front of the TV passed out from a sugar high of Coke and Cheerios.

Name this!

2010-01-19T09:31:00.002-05:00

Ever hear those radio commercials that invite you to "name a star after somebody"? So...okay, if we go with the premise that this is real, I have one question. Do the astronomers and scientists who actually DEAL with stars and space on a regular basis seriously have to adopt this naming process? Can you imagine an emergency someday at NASA where one astronomer yells something like "LOOK!! A comet!! Heading straight for us!". "Where where!" shouts his buddy. Then the first one goes "Look, in the telescope,...see that bright object in the sky right by Iben Poopen and to the left of Mybalz Itch?".

Keeping me grounded

2009-12-02T20:53:00.004-05:00

You CAN, on rare occasions, have a conversation with a 4 year old. I have and felt very rewarded for doing so. We connect, we bond, we share thoughts. Then there are times like today when we are having a conversation and I am handling my end well and the retort I get back from my daughter is "Daddy, poo and tinkle live under ground". Hmmmm....really sweetie, well....Daddy didn't know that. Point well taken. I beleive I shall use this phrase or another gem of hers when I am stuck without an answer at work. "Why wasn't this taken care of yesterday?", and I shall reply "My big girl pants are up my bum-bum". They can't fire you if you're crazy,..really, I looked it up.

Stop in again!

2009-10-06T21:06:00.005-04:00

Ever have a pleasant uninvited guest? I guess putting the word "uninvited" has so many negative conotations you probably haven't. Well I did. I had 5 very large guests this evening.

My neighborhood isn't at all different from planned communities you see everywhere. A yard just big enough that mowing it with one of those electric mowers wouldn't make sense. I have a small yard in front and a decent sized area in back and the kicker here is for the story, my yard ends in a very thick wooded area.

After work tonight I decided to do something productive and clean out my car so I left it out on the driveway. Normally I am not productive in the evening and on days like last Friday, I drown my sorrows in a Jack and Coke, or as I like to call it "Pain go bye-bye juice".

So I'm out in my driveway pulling Wendy's rappers and Kleenex (the title of my last album) out of my car when I suddenly hear a leaf crack behind me. I check quickly to make sure my "Sounds Of Nature" CD is out of my car stereo (BTW - if you ever need to grab a couple quick Z's at a stop light - BUY IT!) and I turn around to see three deer not 15 feet away from me in my yard eating my crab apples. I freeze. VERY slowly, I back up against my car and face them resting my butt against the car for support. All of a sudden, three deer turn into five. At this point I am just in total disbeleif at what I'm seeing. There's about three fawns and two adults and one of them is pretty big and eyeing me up flintching at any move I make.

Not like I'd ever have an opportunity to take a picture but it's just KILLING me that I can't take their picture. This is the one time I didn't have my cell phone camera with me. So there I stood, motionless........leaning against my car just watching these peaceful creatures eat the fallen crab apples. It's about then I try to test my psychic abilities to get my wife to look out the window. No dice. What struck me as amazing was these deer, again, not 15 feet away from me just stared at me and looked at the ground too as if to say "Sooooo......we cool?".

This whole event lasted a good ten minutes with the adults bolting first and the younger deer sticking around (kids!...Pfffft!, right?). So I go back in the house, my hands almost shaking from being that close to so many.........the theme from Born Free playing in my head.......then it hits me. Those are the bastards that have been clearing out my bird feed every night!! "I HOPE YOU GET THE SHITS FROM THOSE YOU SEED STEALING ASSHOLES!!!".

A lesson in perspective

2009-10-05T20:19:00.002-04:00

Some sounds are good. Some are bad. As I was backing out of my garage this morning I heard one from column B, the bad sound column. Ever hear the sound a balloon makes if you rub against your hand, a sweater, sleeping hobo? That sort of 10 percent good squeaky sound but mostly bad? Well I heard that, and it was not a balloon being rubbed on a hobo it was my car rubbing against the wood trim on the garagae. This was indeed a bad sound.

So with my daughter in the back lost in her 8 billionth viewing of Wall-E there I was in the driveway at the crack of dawn feverishly trying to make the bad bad site go away. First a wet rag to get the white paint off my still not fully ours yet car. Then an old bath sponge. Finally I Got the paint off but could feel (but not fully see due to the small amount of sun around) a scratch, a protruding scratch. Out of frustration and the need to harm something that wasn't me (the REAL culprit) I angrily tossed the bucket of water i brought out against the driveway and it loudly smacked against our garage door. My daughter didn't find this scary, just odd. She is quite the observationalist and knew this wasn't right and she proceeded to tell me that it was "bad to make a mess". Yes sweetie, but the bucket had it coming.

So off we go, her to my in-laws and me to work all the while I'm cursing the big loon that is me. Then I look in my rear view mirror and I see my daughter with her knit hat but the mittens I had just put on her tucked up under the hat. "Sweetie, what are you doing?" I said as she made a sound that appeared to be clucking. "I'm a rooster Daddy! Cluck..cluck!". I know what foolish is now. Foolish isn't a three year old pretending to be a rooster, nope,,.....we NEED that type of nonsense to ground us. Foolish is a 43 year old yutz behaving like a baby in his driveway at 6:50 am on a Monday. Now I know.

Product Warning

2009-09-03T19:33:00.005-04:00

Having recently graduated from the fru-fru sissy girl coffee Starbucks pours out to regular coffee I've been searching for that one magic brand that I will stick with until I can no longer pee without assistance and they tell me my heart condition necessitates me going to decaf. It's THEN when I put the pillow over my head.

Until then I am constantly in a search for "my" coffee, the coffee I will swear by, the coffee I will go to a restaurant or someone's house and scream "WHAT?!? You don't have Beany McJava's morning roast?! I am OUTTA here!". I made up the coffee name but you get the point. MY brand....that I will live and die by.

My search has taken me to Dunkin Donuts Cinnamon coffee (a delight!), and Seattle's Best Cinnimon Roll (is this coffee or heaven in a cup?). Both excellent choices but a bit on the pricey side and I have better things to waste mon......WAIT!! Ding Dongs for 99 cents!! Sign me up!!

So I need to find a less trendy brand that will be my staple. I go into Wal Mart before work because that's convenient and the most fun. It's fun because the early morning hours are when they stock the place and I get my jollies out of asking stupid questions to people giving you a look that just screams "just keep walking pal". So the coffee aisle is the same old story, HUGE friggin container of Maxwell House and tiny nine dollar bags of the good stuff. All of a sudden I see Folgers Gourmet Blend and it's flavored. Hold the phone......there's cinnimon!!! It was under five bucks and I think "this is a STEAL!".

The next morning, my wife has it brewing and the kitchen smells GREAT! I start thinking "Did my dream come true? Am I finally going to be able to DRINK a donut?". This is going to be great! Drive in to work giving it enough time to get to a reasonable temperature and start to drink it. MAN!! That is GR...wait, what's this funny after taste. HOLY CRAP!! This is AWFUL. It's this tremenously gratifying cinnimon taste followed by this horrible burnt plastic smell and taste. DAMN YOU FOLGERS!!! To illustrate,...imagine ice cream. Who doesn't like ice cream right? Now imagine eating ice cream out of a used diaper. THAT is what this coffee is like. I was tricked by this suductiveness of cinnimon. This beautiful girl called Folgers showed up and lavished me with compliments and begged for my attention and then we got back to her place and I see she has a penis. THAT is what this coffee did to me!!!! So beware coffee drinkers.......stay clear of cheap trashy coffees!!

Yeah Clint!

2009-08-31T21:34:00.003-04:00

Growing up a lot of my freinds played music and were interested in bands. None of them are doing it on a regular basis let alone professionally. I am proud to say, my freind since we were 6 years old, Clint Stewart has not only been doing it professionally but sustaining himself quite well. That's an achievement for guys who grew up in my neck of the woods. He's got a CD coming out and it's amazing. I was lucky enough to get it ahead of time. If you get a chance, check out Clint and Laila's website. Laila, is Clint's better half and HOLY cow can she sing.

Happy Birthday Barbie

2009-07-17T23:12:00.006-04:00

Yesterday was what would have been my sister Barbie's birthday. For the 2nd year in a row, me and my other two older sisters got together to remember her. We aren't much on tradition in my family so that really means a lot to me.

CONGRATULATIONS PENS!!!!!!

2009-06-13T19:38:00.004-04:00

Just like in 1979 Pittsburgh is the City Of Champions again after the second major sports team in town, the Pittsburgh Penguins won a championship this year!

Better off

2009-06-06T18:54:00.003-04:00

I would never pronounce someone "better off dead" at their passing. I think death is a loss fealt by many people and no one really is better off.

Then there is David Carradine who was found hanging in an apparent "auto-erotic asphyxiation attempt. I initially felt sad for the former Kung Fu star but then I thought about it. What if that was it for him. What if he had done every crazy, wild, hair up your ass sexual deviancy and they did nothing for him and THIS...was it.

I mean can you imagine, he's sitting in a hotel in Bankok (now to be known as CHOKEkok...bah dum boom PEEESH!) and he's looking at a list of things he's done evaluating his next step. "Let's see,....gerbil up the ass..CHECK, done that. Car battery clamps on the nipples...CHECK, done that. Curling iron up the ass while making love to a pie...CHECK. WAIT!!! I know!! I could tie a rope around my neck AND my junk....strangle myself......how could I NOT do it!!".

So you see, there was nothing left in the world for this man to do. He had gotten to a point where choking off the blood supply to his brain while masturbating was the only way he could face the day. I would imagine that finding his 72 year old nude body in a Bankok hotel room with his neck and junk tied by the authorities was NOT his intended outcome but perhaps had he grown tired of the old Mom and Pop auto-erotic asphyxiation, maybe public humilation while doing it would have been next. So long David Carradine.........we hardly knew ye.

Old noises

2009-05-19T21:09:00.003-04:00

You'd think I use my iPod on my eliptical machine because I enjoy the rhythm and pace the music lets me go at. Wrong. I'm 43 and out of shape. I get my iPod because it is extremely disheartening to hear my knees crack as they move. And it's not a slight noise either. It's a noise so loud that were someone to walk in the room while my knees were making their noise, I would have to say that my immediate reaction would be to loudly cough over them to disguise the noise.

But I must continue the charade. Exercise to feel good, eat to feel better, and look in the mirror after a shower NEVER!! Who ever invented the full length bathroom mirror should have his nuts ripped off. I look like the bizarre offspring of an elderly Ryan Oneil and a manatee.

I just can't get into the diet thing again. If I had to give some reasons it would be that diets lack taste, they're too complicated, and pizza just plain f**kin' rules! I mean COME ON!! Pizza is a relentless bitch godess that haunts me and calls my name. "Ray....I'm so cheesey,..you'll erase all I've done to you with that jowl work you keep threatening your wife you're gonna get anyway! Go for it!".

So my knees will continue their symphony of age and lethargy. After all, I am a man. And by nature we all assume...few pushups.....the occasional jog, hey....i'm not so bad!

May 17th

2009-05-17T06:36:00.001-04:00

Lost you two years ago today Barbie..........I miss you.

Got any CD's?

2009-05-03T21:26:00.002-04:00

procrastinator
A noun
1 procrastinator, postponer, cunctator
someone who postpones work (especially out of laziness or habitual carelessness) OR...my daughter at naptime.

The lengths at which my daughter will go to fib to defer the inevitabe, a nap, if it wasn't directed at me would be quite impressive. She is quite relentless. It is no coincidence that the only time she's spot on about telling us she needs to go to the potty is when she's lying in bed being put down for a nap. Then the snowjob starts. "I have to go tinkle". Then it's decision time for us. DON'T put her on and we may miss a chance to reiforce the potty, she really might have to go. But 99.999% of the time, she's playing us. The potty is just one thing she knows we'll drop everything for. I'm waiting for her to one day shout "LET'S PLAY PICTIONARY!" or "I HAVE THE NEW SEASON OF ENTOURAGE!!....I wanna see what happens to that douche-bag Vince!". ANYTHING to get out of a nap.

This is where, as God as my witness, I just don't get kids. I would snitch on a close freind, kick over an elderly person, anything you ask me to do if it would get me 15-20 minutes of good uninterrupted sleep. It's almost a given that if I need a nap on the weekend and I am counting on my daughter to nap at the same time, the majority of those times I'll get like 5 minutes before she decides she's had enough. I'd like to expound more on this but it's late...........and I could use a nap!

Fun happens, it's not planned

2009-03-26T19:13:00.004-04:00

I go into special occasions with the best of intentions. I want that perfect card, that perfect evening, and though that may sound slightly less than masculine (and HUGELY gay) it's not. It's my competitive nature that makes me want to, at the end of the night go "See! Look what I did!".

But the most memorable days I've had with my wife have come from those times when we just took a drive, showed up 5 minutes before a movie started, beat up a hobo, you know, fun stuff.

So for our 15th wedding annivesary, the only real "planning" I did was to take the day off and ask my wife to see if my in-laws could watch our daughter for the night. I knew two things, I wanted to buy my wife an anniversary present and I wanted to eat.

Ever see those Jared The Galleria of Jewelery commercials? It's always two Yentas (Shalom to my Hebrew bruthas) talking about their Yenta freind who brow beat some poor slob into buying something for her at this place with the tag line "He went to Jared!". After going there myself, I'm guessing he left pissed. Jewelery sales people are usually on you like stink on a monkey from the moment you set foot in the store. Not these guys. My wife is looking at saphire (her birthstone) rings and I'm looking at two thousand dollar watches and NOBODY bats an eye at us, which really pissed me off because I lettered in eye-batting in high school!

So we go to Macy's and my wife finds a very nice yellow gold ring with saphires on it. Very nice. Was it too much? You betcha. But you only have this milestone once. Next it was "What do YOU want".

I "thought" I wanted an iPod Touch. My buddy John has been raving about his and he's usually pretty good on what's worth it and what's not. But I really have not been that gadgety lately and I'm happy with my crappy old iPod (and its black and white display..."EEEeew!"). So my wife suggested a watch. Macy's had men's watches but they were from Guess and Fossil and I just cant be 43 and wear a Fossil watch, no matter HOW nice the day-glow peace sign is on it. I know, I'm picky, right?

So I decide if I'm gettig a watch, it's gotta be one I will NOT lose or neglect. Which means, something pricey. I immediately gravited towards Tag Heuer, makers of fine Swiss watches and i'm sure in some capacity, chocolate. Don't they ALL make chocolate over there?

So we go to Littman's and sonofagun, they have them. Now, I had NO clue how much they cost, I just knew they were a prestigious name. The first one I look at...ah..NICE...eleven hundred dollars. We'll just be putting you RIGHT back now. I did happen to come during a sale, some they were discontinuing were %50 percent off! I saw a blue one, I really liked it. And that's saying a lot. I'm not into flashy things. But this watch (this is it by the way) stood out to me. So we thank the nice salesperson and split. NO WAY was I going to be able to get that watch, even at %50 off!

So we go, have a nice lunch, and soon enough we are back and I decide to go for it. I was nervous as hell. Then my wife said something that relaxed me. She said "If this was a PC, you wouldn't even be blinking now". She was right. Hell, I'd be upset at the cost only because I'd know that it wouldnt' be as fast as I wanted it to be BECAUSE it was cheap, well, cheap for PC's.

Then the financing questions started. "This extended warranty plan will pay for itself" to which I added "Can it? Can it in fact, just pay for itself?" I said smiling. Jewlery sales people aren't the best jokers. So, we didn't have that great fantastic evening I had hoped for but I got to spend time with my best freind in the whole wide world and she got something that she'll remember this milestone and so did I. Today, I was a lucky guy.

Catch me on my cell!

2009-03-16T20:39:00.003-04:00

There are very few times I get to listen to the radio in the morning. My radio has been taken over by my three year old who is slowly torturing me with The Wiggles. I'm happy she likes music but even the music I listen to will eventually drive me to want to put an ice pick through my temple if I listen to it too much. I am at that point with most toddler music.

But anyway, the one rare time I got to listen to the radio the other day the morning DJs were talking about cell phone pet peeves and one of them was using the cell phone in the grocery store. This, I am guilty of and I would hazard to guess the grocery store cell phone call has saved many a marraige by clarifying badly written lists...."Oh,...I thought you meant TABLE napkins...my bad".

But today I was picking up things on a list I myself was having trouble reading("What the hell is a LAMpon") and I heard a rare gem of a cell phone call. At first I heard this guy talking about hotel reservations and I'm thinking "Well, this guy is some executive who has to multi-task". Ah..no. I round the corner and see it's just some fat schlub with a ski jacket on making plans with his freind. And then he says something, I swear to you, I am gonna hark back on the rest of my life when I need a good laugh.

The deal was, he was trying to connect with a freind and was debating flying versus driving. His logic went like this,....not making this up..."No man, you have to fly because driving is too long. What? No, listen..it's like this...."A"...if you drive, you'll be too tired to do anything and "2"...you'll never....". What?!!?!? In what bizarre school for the galatically stupid do you emphasize points with "A" then "2". I swear, i wanted to stop everybody I saw and go "Did you HEAR this clown?". But I didn't, I was too busy talking on MY cell verifying the type of bread I needed to buy.

Let the games begin.....and end quickly for me....

2009-03-13T09:55:00.001-04:00

Hooray!!! Both my wife's alma mater (Pitt) and mine (Robert Morris) are in the NCAA tournement. For my school, it's been years since they seen the tournement. I'm thinking I have to place an intra-marraige wager with my significant other. How quickly, will MY school get their ass handed to them. WE SHALL SEE!!!!

Mattress Shopping

2009-03-02T20:06:00.003-05:00

When we got the crib for our baby I can remember looking at dozens of them and ultimately we settled for the one that had the most functionality. Because of it's adjustability, this one would convert from a crib to a day bed to an adult bed with the addition of bed rails. About a year ago we converted it from a crib into a day bed and that's what she's been sleeping in and to tell you the truth, it's never seemed to be right for her.

I mean, what "is" a day bed. It brings to mind conversations of "Oh sure Cousin Ethel, you can stay with us. We'll fix up the "day bed" for you. Or "Honey, that bum is down on his luck, SURELY we can put him up in our "day bed". For my money, if it's not a bed, it's lumped in with hammocks, sleeping bags, and the dreaded futon.

So we went shopping for her "big girl" bed on Saturday. As soon as we set foot in the store we are met with an overy made-up woman, late 50's, who practically ignores me. She wanted to talk to the decision maker....which of course......isn't me. We take a short trip up the escalator and here's where she got creepy. Keep in mind.......we JUST met this lady not 45 seconds ago. "Yes, they do grow up quick don't they. I think it's eaiser with girls. I mean don't get me wrong, you have to worry about both of them...with my boys I just would yell......wear a raincoat.....wear a raincoat!". So I wait.....five, four, three, two....what?! No look?! I was SO waiting for my wife to turn around and look at me so we could share a couple's "What the FUCK?!" momemnt. But I had to pretty much put a cap on it for her and affirm that yes,...she did hear what she thought she heard.

For my money, this is a definate A+ sales pitch. Why I remember when we bought our last SUV. The first thing the salesperson did was open the hatch and go "Look at that space, why,...you could easily nail a stewardess there and still have enough room for the Cuban boy who sold you both ecstasy to videotape it for you!". Sold!

Flash foward to the display floor and we are left to look by ourselves without the help of Dr. Ruth. I sense my little girl growing disinterested fast so I take her to this big wooden ship thing they have for kids to climb on. Everything goes great for a while, she's having fun, I'm having fun watching her.....she's clutching a used drinking straw....I'm having...WHAT THE SHIT?!?! PUT THAT DOWN!!! It was getting so a furniture store couldn't hold a three year old's interest. I mean come on!!!

My wife, the decision maker, comes back and we're set to go. Next stop! The department store where we can buy the video we promised her for going pottie!! This is the circle of life. When you're young, this is celebrated. When you're old like me, this is met with a can of Lysol in the face. Hey, sue me,...I like Mexican.

An Upcoming Milestone

2009-02-23T19:41:00.004-05:00

I write this at what I hope to be the absolute low point of the negotiations as to what me and my wife hope to do for our fifteen year anniversary. It's gone from a lost weekend in Vegas to lunch. Rax I suggested? This got me banished downstairs and onto the computer.

That's right, fifteen years! You,.. the kid who stumbled upon this blog after looking for the latest on Hannah Montanna (15 years ago that mention was Debbie Gibson), YOU weren't even around then.

Let me be clear, I forget dates very easily. My wife bought me a datebook once to keep track of important events - I lost it. Oh how I wished I was there as some stranger picked it up hoping to see the secret life of a Wall Street power broker or a busy doctor only to see entries like "Tuesday - tape Bugs Bunny marathon, buy Zingers at the store".

But this date had my attention for a while. I can remember aspiring to a trip to Europe for our 10th. Surely, I thought at the time, only a total LOON wouldn't be able to save up for that milestone with the time I gave us? Well, call me Mr. Loon. But fifteen years gave me pause for reflection. We had to do something special.

I initially wanted a visit to Vegas. Our last trip to Vegas was sort of a family outing. My wife was pregnant with our three year old at the time. We had found out only weeks before. We would have won at one of the tables but the baby kicked and ruined my pefect pair of 6's. Not buying it? Well, neither did the pit boss. What a time, she was eating for two and I was doing my part and drinking for two. Ah memories. No really.....I'm sad about that, I have no memories. GOD I was toasted. But I digress.

The issue is, what do we do with our daughter. Our daughter means the world to us but I want one night where we can just be us again. So it's gone from Vegas, to a weekend at a nice hotel, to now dinner. I had to stress dinner to my wife. We both have off that day and she suggested a nice lunch. Lunch? So fifteen years and it's "hoagies for two?!". No way, it will be nice and memorable or my name isn't,...isn't...wait..you know I really should get into a program. I haven't a clue what my name is, or that talking rabbit next to me either.

The bottom line is I want it to be special because for some reason unbeknownst to me, the man upstairs decided to do one giant thing right for me and pointed me towards someone who would become my best friend and the mother of my little 3-year old angel who is my light and never ending joy. Fifteen years isn't much when you think of our parents, but you can't swing a dead cat today without finding someone who's been through a divorce. Oh and by the way, beating someone with a dead cat at least in this state is DEFINITE grounds for divorce. Anybody can have a wife, I have a partner and a friend. And on top of that, a friend who'll look the other way as I steal a $20 from her purse. Ah, amour!

Well said..........

2009-02-14T13:50:00.002-05:00

I happened to be looking at a Cleveland Browns blog online and right after the Steelers won their sixth Super Bowl they were just beside themselves with hate. Over and over, the theme was, our greatest crime being Steeler fans was our pride. How dare we be proud of this great city and the wonderful people who inhabit it. Sorry Cleveland and haters everywhere, you're just going to have to get used to it. I hope I don't get into trouble, but this is from an Orlando (NOT Pittsburgh) newspaper.

Mike Bianchi, Orlando Sentinel

TAMPA, Fla.

One of the heroes of the game nearly became a bus driver.

The owner of the team walks to work every day.

The fans of the team drink Iron City beer, wave dish towels and

ignored the slumping economy to make their pigskin pilgrimage and

turn the Super Bowl into a Sunshine State version of the Steel City.

This is why we should all be glad that Pittsburgh is now the home of

more Super Bowl championships than any franchise in the history of

pro football: Because the players are hungry, the owner is humble and

the fans are loyal.What more could you want out of the NFL’s

champion of champions?

And what more could you want from a Super Bowl?

From Jennifer Hudson’s remarkable rendition of the national anthem

Sunday to the Boss bringing down the house at halftime to Santonio

Holmes making one of the greatest catches in NFL history for the

winning touchdown with 35 seconds left, this will go down as a Super

Bowl for the ages.

The Steelers, by virtue of their unbelievable, inconceivable 27-23

defeat of the Arizona Cardinals, have now won a record sixth Super

Bowl and their second in four years.They are small-market team that doesn’t

pay big-time salaries and yet they continue to win ... and win ... and win.

In these trying economic times, how can you not feel good that it’s the

Steelers who have become the model franchise in all of professional sports.

Some other of the NFL’s other dynastic franchises have come and gone,

but the Steelers just keep coming.

The Green Bay Packers? They haven’t won a Super Bowl in more than a

decade. The San Francisco 49ers? They haven’t had a winning season in

six years and haven’t been to a Super Bowl in 15.

The Dallas Cowboys? They make headlines because their quarterback

dates Jessica Simpson and their wide receiver is a team cancer, but

they haven’t won a playoff game in a dozen years. In contrast,

Pittsburgh’s quarterback Ben Roethlisberger is the youngest

quarterback (26) to ever win two Super Bowls, and the only

controversy star wide receiver Hines Ward has been involved in is

that opposing defenses complain that he plays too physical.

The Steelers are the New York Yankees of the NFL — without the

arrogance and the payroll. George Steinbrenner buys championships;

the Rooney family builds them.Every one of Pittsburgh’s star players —

Roethlisberger, Troy Polamalu, Willie Parker, Hines Ward and

James Harrison — were either drafted by the team or discovered off the street.

Harrison, with his spectacular 100-yard interception return at the

end of the first half, made one the greatest plays in Super Bowl history.

He was undrafted out of college, signed as a rookie free agent by the

Steelers in 2002 and nearly quit football during his struggling early

years to become a Greyhound bus driver.

This is why the Steelers should be celebrated. They win without the

knuckleheads that dot so many professional rosters.

This is a franchise built on patience and principal.

Take Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin as an example.

At 36, he became the youngest coach in NFL history to win a Super Bowl.

It should be noted that Tomlin is only the third coach the Rooneys

have hired in 40 years. Remember when the Orlando Magic once had

three coaches in the same calendar year?

Proof positive that if you can’t appreciate the Steelers, you are

simply un-American.

I still got it!!

2009-02-13T20:43:00.004-05:00

You know, no matter how strong of a relationship you're in, at some point you have to wonder, do I still have "it". To tell you the truth, it's been so long I don't really know what "it" is anymore. I have a feeling it harkens back to a time when I could lie in bed and immediately jump out when I felt like it and not stay there and plot which limb to move first that doesn't make my back hurt. That's not age, it's our mattress, Sealy's Torture-Master 2000.

No really, what about the girls I was attracted to in high school. Do they still remember me, have they even thought of me once in the years since I last saw them, and do their hastily arranged "orders of protection" still hold? There are a few websites I went to out of curiosity, and that weren't blocked by Net Nanny, that allow people to reconnect and constantly beat you over the head with "Guess who's searching for you now!". One of them is Classmates.com and the other is Reunion.com.

With Classmates.com you pretty much get a Xerox image of the dorks, dweebs, and overall pinheads you had no interest in while going to school and now see that YOU are amoung that group now who's actually inputted your name in their crummy site. "Hey! Look it's...ah...FAT kid...and....Math Geek...I wonder what THEY're doing now?".

The other is Reunion.com and they torment you with "Guess who's looking for you now...wink wink, nudge nudge?". I got time, I check. You'll see that if I decide to fork over the money to join this Ponzi scheme for social retards, I get to meet up with the people who've searched for me! One of them, lucky lucky me, is a SIXTY FIVE YEAR OLD woman from Bangor Pennsylvania. Bangor? No thanks. "Bah dum boom PEEESH!!".

Next, I need to ride in a helicopter

2009-02-02T09:02:00.003-05:00

I always wanted to ride in a limo. Wait, let me clarify, I always wanted to ride in a limo sitting up and not in a casket, which is how I thought i'd eventually end up in one. But on a sales trip for work I had a limo ride too and from the resort they put me up in. Pretty sweet.

Yesterday, I scratched something ELSE off my list. I got to ride in an ambulance. This one, I could have done without.

It all started with a pretty normal saturday. I had a bunch of errands to run and I finished off with a trip to the grocery store. When I got home, I started to watch TV. I started to feel a little nauscious and I ended up with a few ugly trips to the bathroom. I had a couple episodes of the squirts.

When I went to lay down for the night, I had trouble slowing my breathing down. I decided to go sit in the living room for a while and watch TV just in case I had to make any more bathroom runs (hehehe...runs...get it?). The more I sat the worse I felt. My breathing would not slow down. I had numbness down both my arms and they were both tingling. My body, if felt like, would not rest. It was in alarm.

I started to moan which brought my wife out to see me. She asked me over and over again if there was anything she could do to help me. As much as I appreciated her, I couldn't give her any ideas. I started to feel even worse. I knew something was up. So she ended up calling my sister, who is a nurse, to come over in case we needed to head to the hospital.

After my sister was called, I knew I did need to go and my wife ended up calling 911. The first to arrive was the police. A policeman came in and asked me a few questions. I was terrified. I felt like my body was shutting down and I had no idea why. He instructed me to calm down or I was going to pass out. Truth be told, I would have preffered that. At least then I could get some rest.

The paramedics showed up and put all manner of gadget on me to monitor my breathing and heart. They tried repeately to assist me in slowing my breathing down. No luck. Finally they decided to just take me to the E.R. They told me they could take me out but the steps and driveway were very icey. I told them the guy who takes care of that sucks. That guy being me of course. So they helped me walk out to the ambulance.

I got strapped in and off we went to the E.R. Still couldn't breath normally though. I thought it was food poisoning but the medic thought it was a wicked stomach flu going around. She asked me if I feld nauscious and that was good timing because almost as soon as she gave me a plastic bucket I hurled into it very very violently. I thought my lungs were coming out.

After that I started to feel better but then she told me that it probably would return. Which it did, in the E.R. By the time I got to the E.R. I was just exhausted. No sleep, and my body was just a wreck. I couldn't get back to normal breathing and on top of this, I had to answer bullshit questions for a secretary asking me questions. I wanted to scream "You know what, my wife is out there....get my social from HER!".

They ended up putting me on some sort of nausea medication through an IV and finally I was able to close my eyes for a bit. If this was a flu, I might just have to change my policy of never getting a flu shot. I didn't want this ever again.

About 4:30 in the morninig I felt good enough to leave and they gave me a few prescriptions for nausea and the mother of all anti-diahrrea medicines too, Nopoopatall, i think it was called.

So Sunday, a day I had planned to make chicken wings, eat my wife's fabulous meatballs and just pig out while watching my Pittsburgh Steelers win their 6th Super Bowl, I ended up spending most of the day in bed with the chills. With the team they have, maybe I'll be lucky enough to see that again, healthy this time.

Dreams

2009-01-20T08:18:00.004-05:00

I have weird dreams. But I don't sit around like some people do and analyze my dreams. Like when I dream of flashing lights, loud noises, and people screaming, i refuse to submit to any form of dream interpretation. I DO, however, beleive it is not a good idea to fall asleep while driving.

Thoughts on the holidays

2008-12-31T20:48:00.004-05:00

I was commenting on my buddy John's BLOG on a post he did for his feelings on the holidays. The longer it went, the more creative I got I thought, why not "re-gift" this for myself and post it right here. I'd recommend reading John's BLOG though. If you like zombies and space shuttles, you're in for a treat. I'm waiting for the space shuttle PILOTED by zombies. Now THERE's a tale. I'm kidding John.

I normally head to John's blog to leave a sarcastic remark, a witty retort, or a casual guffaw. But for this time I came to bring you news of hope. John wanted to know with all the commercialism surrounding Christmas just where Jesus fits in these days. Why he's all over. All you need to is stop, pay attention, and perk up your ears as you hear people say "Jesus, is this line long" or "Jesus, who'd a thought I'd be in line at Best Buy for four hours".

But the news isn't all bad. It's during the holiday season where you do see the good in people as they kindly let you merge in on the highway. Perhaps this is due to their good natured feelings coming from some upcoming days off from work. Rest assured though, they know deep in their hearts that come January 2nd, if you were to try that in front of them....they'll send you and your car straight to hell first before they give you a break. I'm talking to you blue haired old lady who PRETENDS she can't see me. I KNOW YOU CAN SEE ME GRANNY!!!

Me, I got to spend some quality time with my family and got things I really need. Not that Christmas is about what you get. We all know as adults that Christmas is for the kids. I know it, you know it, and several marketing firms on Wall Street looking to sell your kid whatever crap toy they've bought into pumped out of Taiwan by some guy who just two weeks ago was hawking live chickens on a steet corner. He knows it too. I got an interesting assortment of gifts. From one of my sisters I got some jeans, from another a car emergency kit, and from my parents I got a fine bottle of whiskey. This of course means my New Years resolution to be drunk and shirtless on the side of a road waiting for AAA is right on track!

Happy New Year!

The doctor will see you now

2008-12-17T14:00:00.003-05:00

Any recurring pain that you can't explain away with excuses like arthritis or the occasional taser attack from that female coworker who thinks you're a bit too "grabby" should most likely be investigated. This is the case with my mysterious "tail bone" pain.

Every once in a while I would get a dull ache about four inches above, how should I say it,...awe who cares, we're all adults here, above my poop hole. It would radiate around the area and actual inhibit my walking for a few minutes. Events like this have been happening a lot and since I had the day off, I thought I'd have it checked out.

The worst part of the whole doctor visit thing for me has to be the waiting room. There are the usual characters. There's soccer kid, still in his uniform accompanied by a parent who will at some point tell him to "SETTLE DOWN!". There's the adorable old couple, the 80'ish folks who look so cute you want to put them on top of a very old and smelly cake. Then there's my all-time favorite, "personal-space" lady. The large woman who scans a room full of empty seats only to put her porky biceps 6" over your arm rest all the while breathing as if she just ran a marathon. When they call my name, I'm overjoyed to be sprung from this Star Wars bar of aches and pains.

So I go in and get usual barrage of questions that I have just ONE big answer for. No. "Smoke?". "No". "On any medications?". "No". "History of werewolfism?". "No,...wait, what?!". "Just seeing if you were paying attention".

So I describe the pain I was feeling to the doctor and the reason I came in was that being over 40, I thought I should be checked out for something. I honestly had no idea where my prostate was. I have no excuse for that, I have internet access, it coulda been easily found out. The doctor assured me it wasn't that because my prostate is located directly up from the old "taint". I apologized for my ignorance and not knowing where my prostate was. She said no problem and that most men don't know, adding that women know more about men's anatomy than they do. Hmmmm...........really? Bah-LONEY! Men know JUST as much if not more about WOMEN's anatomy. There are just some things we, well, just don't listen to. When my wife was told about the side effects of the pill, stroke, heart attack, lowering your expectations of a mate, all I heard was "You are CLEARED for lift off captain!".

So my doctor visit as it turns out WAS for nothing, not if you don't count the requisite weigh-in before the visit. I am grossly overweight and it's my goal now to lose 40lbs in 6 months. I am determined, I CAN do it. As I sit here eating my pizza and sucking down the last of a delicious chocolate shake I am reminded of all the great doers this country has seen. I can do this. No where's my elipitcal machine? AH! There it is, now I need to find another place for these coats.

Our new family picture.

2008-12-04T08:40:00.002-05:00

Tell the truth, if you HAD to imagine what a,...oh I dunno....cookie jar with glasses would look like, that guy in the middle would JUST about cover it, right?

Open up and say AAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!

2008-10-17T20:45:00.002-04:00

I hate the denist. I'm saying that as a general statement of course, I'm not singling out one dentist. It's more like I dislike the chance I'll be in pain and not "Don't you hate Bob! He's always like.."Oh I'm so great, I'm a denist!". Got it?

Going to the dentist has got to be the most hated appointment you can make, at least when your not one of those flossing suckups who take YOUR appointment just so the hygenist can fawn all over their whiter than a Pat Boone Christmas special teeth. Shitheads. For guys like me who have teeth only a member of ther Royal Family could love, it's a nightmare.

For starters, I have more metal in my mouth than the entire audience a BET award show (Hey-Oohhhhhh!!!). My visits usually involve some bad news. This last time I went because I was experiencing some pain, off and on, in one of my molars....or was it a bicuspid.....OH NO, maybe it's an incisor. Let's just call it what my insurance company calls it, a deductable.

So the dentist (f*ckin BOB!!) tells me I need a root canal.......followed by a temporary crown........followed by a REAL crown. The temporary thing kills me. I still haven't had that one explained to me. They don't do that with any other part of your body. Your heart doesn't go and some doctor says "We'll need to wait for a transplant for you, in the meantime, I'm installing this veal in your chest".

So I go home to decide what I'm going to do. One, two....four years pass and it starts to hurt again. Now I'm in a new job with new dental benefits which I see as a blank check. "Crown? Sure.....gimme one of them gold ones like P-Diddy has". So I schedule all THREE procedures. I show up at 7am in the morning for this and they take me right in. As soon as the doctor shows up he starts to prep me and the area he's going to work on. Part of this is him (not lying) shoving a 3" square piece of rubber down near my windpipe. I, being the pain in the ass patient I am, start to gag. And what a pain I am, imagine, he needs to shove a rubber square RIGHT WHERE I AM BREATHING and I make a fuss. I mean really. He then has the nerve to ask me "Do you gag easily?". Nope, I'm fine. Why don't you shove a few tennis balls in my mouth to see how I do then.

So he procedes on without the big square rubber sheet and roughs it. Then my favorite part of drilling begins, and by that I don't mean the bullshit lie that if we drill in the Gulf tommorow that means $1.00 gas the next day (Oh no you didn't!). No, I mean the rancid odor of burning tissue. That's gotta be the worse smell ever. When I tell you I gripped those arm rests like they owed me money, beleive me. I was as steady as a rock......I kept going to my happy places.

Next stop, temporary crown. I'm already researching a way to get Nike to sponsor it to cover my deductable. If it's "temporary" why not a nice Nike swoosh on it!

Things that make your day suck

2008-09-23T21:40:00.003-04:00

Houses are funny. They provide you a roof over your head, a warm bed, and a chair to watch football, the three basic needs. But they have a habit of jumping up and biting you in the ass when you least expect it.

Last Saturday, on my wife's birthday, I had my drain snaked. "Why of course Ray, you ARE over 40 after all, don't all men your age have that done?". To that I say "They do, but that's not the drain I speak of". And besides, anything you have on your person you can classify as being "snaked" most likely has you in one of any number of institutions in our fine prison system sharing time with a man of questionable character and an even more questionable sexual orientation.

On Friday my wife pointed out some water on the floor of our laundry room and it being late I quickly passed it off as a leak local to the room, perhaps the washer, and classified it as an "i'll deal with it later" problem. Well, later came quicker than usual (shoulda put it in the "when I feel like it" column) and I was forced to examine the reason for the water. It turned out to be water coming back in to the house through the drain in the laundry room. I'm not "Mr. Fixit" by any means, but I thought right away, that had to be bad, right?

So we called a plumber and luckily one agreed to show up on Saturday. So this guy shows up and grabs his snake and proceeds to insert it into my drain. HOLY GEEZ!! Does THAT sound gay. Take two. Okay, this guy comes in my house and sticks a thing in my hole. HOLY SHIT!! Okay okay......there's gotta be a way around this. Okay. Let's try this. A guy came to help me with my problem (sounds good so far) he showed up on time (good) and when he did he reached into his truck grabbed his tool and........ah forget it!!!

I want to tell you, I was pacing like an expectant father. I had nightmares of my front yard being dug up because of this. Everytime he would poke his head back into the garage I'd wait for an update. "How we lookin' in there" I said in my best macho small talk. "Good, I think we hit a few roots". I'm sorry, roots? Yes, not only do my huge trees in my yard scare the crap out of me when we have high winds (like the 79MPH winds we had recently, thank YOU Hurricane Ike) but they seek out any place they can find water. The guy finishes up and I find out that this might only be temporary, I might have to do this 2 years from now too thanks to those roots.

But the day finished off pretty decent. My wife got to go out with all of us for her birthday and I got some great video of my daughter at her party. But I am a homeowner. I'm just left to wonder what's next. What's the next thing to come....and.........and........well, "snake me up the ass"?

Make Me An Offer

2008-09-13T21:34:00.004-04:00

Chalk this latest first experience of mine as a "swing and a miss". Today, we had our first (and most likely last) garage sale. The word "garage" is from the French "garer" which loosely translated means "attention all neighborhood freaks, please show up at my doorstep".

I had been threatening to do a garage sale for quite some time and when a flier came around announcing a neighborhood garage sale that would be advertised and I had to only show up, I was on that like stink on a monkey. THIS, would be how I finally get some clarity in my life by getting rid of all the junk I had. This would be great! I could get that new PC I wanted, why I might even be able to buy that Apple iMac I had been looking at!

I got very organized. Vases, dishes, and pots went into a specific area of the table. That was housewares. The old tennis racket and roller blades comprised my sporting goods, and for those wandering bookworms, I had a small collection of books.

But after so many nice sunny weekends, this one decided to be muggy and rainy. Ah, hopes and dreams. How you DO like to be dashed. We went ahead with it anyway, putting the tables at the end of my garage. My wife, bless her heart, manned one side of the garage and I the other. Soon, people started to show up.

One of the first guys picked up a rifle scope my dad had dropped by with. He was either cleaning out his junk or hiding evidence he didn't want the feds to get, one or the other. So the guy picks up the rifle scope, buys it, and they asks if we have any military supplies. Ah, no. Then he wanted some rifles. Makes sense, what ELSE do you put a rifle scope on, right? No again. THEN, he asked if we had any knives. At this point I thought he is either a weird collector OR he's accessing our ability to defend ourselves should he decide to come back while we're sleeping. We got so many off the wall bizarre questions I was close to putting a sign up saying "Attention: We currently do not have any medical supplies, artificial limbs, hernia belts or deer antlers" just to filter out the wandering ghouls who were showing up.

About a half hour later a portly man in a t-shirt that left little to the imagination and a long white beard shows up to check out our wares. He spies our daughter's fold up playpen and asks "how much". I tell him $10 and he says "Oh that will go. We just bought four of them for a day care me and my wife opened up". So he walks away and I quietly thank my in-laws for providing a safe haven for my daughter during the day so that I can avoid sending my daughter to the "John Wayne Gacy" school for girls for THIS guy to watch her.

The rest of the crew that stops by was enough to make you want to call a contractor to put iron bars and your windows pronto. I got the feeling that everybody was on the lookout for that one treasure, that Van Gogh tucked into the back of Dogs Playing Poker or something like that. Then you had the folks who wouldn't even stop. They'd just slow down, try and dechipher what you had, and just continue on their way.

And how did we do? Well, let's see. We sold the scope for $10 and a couple of DVD's at 2 for $1.00. And I did make enough to meet my original goal though, albeit slightly altered. Now, unlike the one I had in mind, I'm unfortunately only able to purchase an actual "apple", not of the computer variety. Oh well. Looks like it's going to be an early Christmas for the folks who pick up our garbage next Friday!

My hierarchy of useless knowledge

2008-09-02T19:37:00.002-04:00

I had a revelation today and it came while my wife was watching The Young And The Restless. No, that revelation was NOT I am a giant pussy who watches soaps with my wife. That came long ago. No, this one was a revelation on how polluted my mind is with useless information.

We got into a discussion about a character on the show, one who's been with the show for years. When my wife had trouble remembering his name I thought for a few minutes then blurted it out. As appreciative as my wife was of me ending her torment I couldn't help but think, has this ability to remember useless crap hampered my growth, my career?

I don't know how memory works, but I imagine it like a series of compartments where information is stored. Empty compartments are ripe for storage while occupied compartments are there to keep information that your mind deems valuable. Who am I? What do I do for a living and why did that lady at Arby's stop and ask me "Do you like the onion bun?" when I asked for a Beef n' Cheddar, only to sell me an NON-onion bun equivelent to "save me some coin". Where did she get the idea that she could go off the script? "I'd like that". "Okay, I will get you that". It's simple. But I digress.

When information comes into your brain it searches for an empty compartment. My problem, I think, is that I am running out of open compartments. Someday I'm going to learn valuable information at work and it's going to want to go to one of my "brain compartments" only to find that it's occupied with "Donny Most played Ralph Malph on Happy Days" or my personal favorite "Buckner and Garcia sang Pac Man Fever". Really?!? Pac Man Fever? I doubt Buckner and or Garcia would own up to that today and here I am carrying that shitty factoid around in my head!

So as I envy the A.D.D. set with their set in stone diagnosis I will sit and wait that someday "I" get my equivilent of Ridilan, a drug that helps me wipe from my head all those deliciously funny memories I have from shows like Different Strokes. "What chew talkin bout Willis!".

----

When you think about it, gray hair ain't so bad....

2008-08-14T18:33:00.003-04:00

If you had to choose a malady that's synonymous with growing older, you would probably think of graying hair first right? Maybe somewhere down on your list if you're a nutjob like me, MAYBE.......shrinking an inch or two off your height is there.

I am shrinking. How do I know this? My pants. I wear a special band of Dockers that have an expandable waistline in front. I do this because being an obvious 38" waist, it gives me some satisfaction buying a pair of 36's. This would be the same size satisfaction that fat cow in front of you at Wendy's gets from ordering a triple cheeseburger WITH........a diet Coke. Everything in moderation I guess.

Well I had to buy a whole new crop of my male maternity pants (my nickname for them) because the back of the cuff where they meet my shoes were fraying. Those pair that had that problem quickly moved down the social strata of "pantsdom" into "mowing the grass pants". For pants, this is the end of the line. A clear sign that you've lost your "A" game.

So I bought a whole new crop of Fatsy McChucklebutt's "Pants for Porky's". So the first day I put them on I finally realize why the last crop were fraying on the bottom. I am walking on my pants. What gives? Same length as always, but for some reason my heal kept stomping on my pants. This is what ruined the last ones. So my big fix, cuff them. That's great. Now i can walk around, finish getting ready for work, and save my new pants. This WOULD be great if not for the other thing I'm noticing about myself lately. I forget a LOT! So now,....I'm fat......a little grayer (not completely) and walking around my new job for which I hope to impress my bosses, all the while sporting 3" cuffs. Nice.

The thing that scares me is gray hair keeps coming till it's ALL gray.....what if the shrinking doesn't stop? Will my friends and family desert me when I have no legs? Just an ass with feet attached to it? Sure they'll still talk to me. Everybody will want to cash in on those valuable "freak dollars" I'll get at the fair.

Not all home runs are in ballparks

2008-08-01T21:28:00.003-04:00

I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter. Right when we found out that we were having a girl I, pretty much knowing this might be our only child, started to think of what I would be missing out on now that I wouldn't have that son that all guys seemingly want.

Of course all father and son dreams seem to somehow revolve around sports. His first at bat. His first touchdown. I'd have none of that. Now I had to alter my dreams for a little girl. This was no big deal to me though because my REAL dream would work for a boy OR a girl.

Being the consemate wise-ass that I am, I value humor above most things. I've had some of my biggest chuckles at the most inopportune times. I firmly beleive that nothing, and I mean nothing is above humor. I've visited plenty of funeral homes and I've laughed in most of them (I'm not a TOTAL loon, I show reverance when necessary). I'm almost positive that each indididual I've paid my respects too would have wanted it that way.

So my "home run" for my daughter was a bit different and she hit it out of the park for me last week. While putting her to bed, I playfully asked her "Does your bottle go up your bum?". She looked at me and smiled, knowing I was joking with her which is pretty good for a 2-year old. So I just started saying "bum bottle" and she heard that and started chuckling wildly. So I did it again........"bum bottle....bum bottle, over and over again". She started a wild belly laugh.

Now to most parents, a child laughing is no big deal. They do it all the time. But to me, this was monumental. I had written a joke that my daughter found funny. And she gave back to me more than I could ever imagine. I've been on stage and made complete strangers laugh. None of that could compare to having my littlest audience give back to me such great laughter. This, was her home run.

Ah age. How DO you manage to screw me.

2008-07-31T21:17:00.003-04:00

I was never the cool guy in the room. Even typing "cool guy" is a dead give away - I was never cool. Nobody cool actually SAYS the world cool.

But tonight is the biggest indicator that I am a un-cool blob of Boronium,...the main chemical compound found in 99.9% of all boring people. Go ahead,...get your Periodic Table....it's on there.

Here's the scenario. My wife and lovely daughter are staying over at her parents so that they TOO can know the intense stress that comes with wanting to pull your eyebrows out that occurs just around naptime. So I have the entire place to myself. So why am I not living it up? Getting drunk? Dancing around in my underwear ala Tom Cruise? Okay, that last one was light years away from cool. See!?

It's because of changing priorities. Back in my 30's I would have used this time to, oh I dunno, see a band,...go see a comic......you want to know what "crazy wild" thing I want to do tonight? GO TO SLEEP EARLY!

Holy shit Ray!! Call the cops! YOU sir.......are out of control. I know, I am the very definition of lame. Check it out;

lame /leɪm/ - adjective, lam·er, lam·est, verb, lamed, lam·ing, noun
–adjective 1. crippled or physically disabled, esp. in the foot or leg so as to limp or walk with difficulty.
2. impaired or disabled through defect or injury: a lame arm.
3. weak; inadequate; unsatisfactory; clumsy: a lame excuse.
4. A 42 year old man who has a free night to do whatever he wants and chooses to eat potato chips and watch Family Guy.

Hmmm.............potato chips and Family Guy. Wait a minute,....maybe I'm onto something here. Mabye,...just maybe....THAT is what's "cool" to me and to guys my age at this point in our lives. You know, that might be it. Hey! I just MIGHT be cool still! But in a 42 year old, sorta overweight, occasionally farting sort of way. LOOK OUT FONZI!! I AM THE COOLEST NOW! (I know....I know...see definition number 4 under lame).

High gas prices bring out the loons.

2008-07-24T21:06:00.005-04:00

I pulled into our local KFC today to buy my daughter one of her many vices, KFC mashed potatos (or TOES!! as she calls them) and I ended up behind this.

All I can say is, what a man does in the privacy of his own home is between him and the polar bear of his choosing and is nobody else's business.

Now obviously this schmuck has drunk the Kool-aid (or Kook-aid) and thinks "drill monday, cheap gas by friday". WRONG!

My favorite was the other side that said something like "Global warming is a hoax. Carbon Dioxide is plant food". Which is right. And maybe my bestiality charged freind in front of me in line is a botanist and knows something I don't know.

Like he knows of a plant that eats Hydrocarbon emissions. Those are the fuel molecule fragments not completely burned that form ground level ozone in the presense of nitrogen oxide and sunlight.

And maybe there's a particular plant that eats Carbon MONoxide, another product of incomplete burning of hydrocarbon based fuels. More than likely, this wing nut is listening to the insane rantings of the nutjob talk radio hosts who spout this baseless drivel to the only unintelligent sponges that will eat it up. Namely, my polar bear loving freind in the SUV in front of me. The same SUV that gets lousy gas mileage......and burns more gas in a drive through than if he'd just park it and walk his lazy ass inside to pick up his food himself.

Don't even get me started on his lack of punctuation.

Ignore the experts, get it from the bunny.

2008-07-22T20:53:00.003-04:00

If you Google childcare advice you'll likely find advice from such sources as Parents.com, Newbaby.com, and for the southerner who needs help, youngins.net.

Why seek advice you ask? What do you need guidance on? Is that a full bag of Doritos on your desk? All valid questions.

You see, our daughter has it in her that whatever we say, some how SOME way, we're screwing her over. Here's a perfect example. We're going somewhere together. I get ready first,....shoes......car keys...and I try to get her in the car so we can wait for her mother. No way. She would make an excellent infantryman in that she will leave "no man behind".

"Mum-mum too!" is the cry I hear and no matter what I say, that's what I get. So it normally goes like this.

"Let's go baby, Daddy will put your shoes on".
"Mum-mum too".
"Yes baby, Mummy is going too, let's go downstairs and wait for her".
"MUM-MUM TOO!!". At this point, the panic (for whatever reason) starts to set in.
"Of course baby, Mum-mum is coming. She just has to find her shoes".
"MUM-MUM TOOOO!! MUM-MUM TOOO!!!"
"Baby, come on. Mum-mum will meet us downstairs".
"NOooooooooo!!! Mum-Mum TOOOOOO!!!!".

At this point, I abandon Supernanny, Dr. Phil, and any "supposed" expert and rely on the only expert that matters. Bugs Bunny.

"Baby, would you like Mum-mum to come too?".
"Okay!(sniff sniff...sob)". Problem solved.

For you see, you can read all the books, watch all the TV shows, and consult your "expert" freinds, nothing will cure THIS particular situation better than the old "Duck Season Wabbit Season" line of reasoning.

And they say you can't learn anything from cartoons....BAH!

A big fun fat time

2008-07-13T14:25:00.004-04:00

Kids. They are such a joy. You never think you can do enough for them. What's the most loving thing you can do for your toddler. Well, if you're us, you strap her in a car seat, put the DVD player on a drive her three hours and forty-five minutes away to Columbus Ohio.

We had always wanted to "test" how our daughter would do on a long trip and let me be the first to say...........not good. A 2 1/2 year old's patience is about as thin as the reasons we went to war in Iraq,...yeah, that's right, I said it! About an hour and a half into the drive we started getting warning moans, which we know always preceed a full blown cry.

We got to the zoo later than expected and it was SUPER SUPER hot. The Columbus Zoo is a fantastic zoo and is home to Jungle Jack Hanna, a frequent Tonight Show and Letterman guest. One of my goals is to get to the Bronx Zoo some day. It's ranked in the top 10 on just about anything you read about zoos. At the Columbus Zoo just the parking lot alone is enormous and it has an adjacent water park. Our daughter is too young for that now, but maybe soon. Anyway, so we had to leave early because she was fading fast due to the heat so we headed to our hotel room.

Typically, on the way over she fell asleep in the car (thank you air conditioning). We thought, no biggee, just carry her up to the room. WRONG!! She normally will fall asleep and when you carry her, she'll peak out of one eye...see that she's home, and fall right back to sleep. This time she did that and of course, she saw a hotel hallway, an elevator...nope, this kid was awake now and hyper. I'll never get this kid. When she's tired, I guess to keep herself awake, she is in a word, manic. She bounces off the walls. So that's what we had to deal with in trying to get her back to sleep on the giant king sized bed that she wanted to bounce on.

So, she of course didn't sleep so now what do we do. Well, I knew we weren't going to get her to go back to sleep so we went to the mall nearby. After that, I decided to take her swimming. Two things you have to know here. Number one, I don't swim and being 2 1/2, neither does she. But I figured she'd have a blast if I held her in the 3 foot section.

To say that she had a blast is an understatement. In her short time on this earth, I've never seen her that happy. I wish I could say the same for me. I hate having my shirt off. Saying I am out of shape is somehow (in my mind) implying I was ever IN shape. I haven't been. Well, maybe when I was a baby. When me and everyone around me was short, pale, and pudgy. But that's it.

My wife was taking pictures of us having fun in the hotel pool. I severly cropped myself out of them before I uploaded them for family. In one shot I can see my enormous back fat. With my back fat meeting at my spine, it appears that I in fact have an enormous ass crack that goes nearly up to my neck. This saved us money the rest of the trip because I tried my best to cut back on what I ate. That is AFTER I saw the pictures. Staying for free (used Marriott points) we took advantage of that and ordered room service which TOTALLY kicked ass. And worth all the money too. If I sound like I'm complaining, well, I am maybe a little. But I wouldn't trade this past weekend with my family for anything.

Potty training

2008-07-07T22:02:00.002-04:00

It's five months till our daughter's 3rd birthday and frankly we're getting desperate. The potty training hasn't been going well and we're looking at other ideas.

My wife bought an Elmo's Potty Time DVD to see if some encouragement from a familiar face like his would help. So we put it in the DVD player and with some convincing, we get her over to the potty.

As soon as it starts, she get's a strange look on her face as if to say "What is THIS propaganda?". She's probably wondering if we're going to force her to watch a video on a timeshare following this.

And I feel so bad watching it myself. Because It's Elmo..........going "number two" as he says,....and all I could think of was "Okay, who cleans the matted feces out of HIS fur". And anybody who's had a dog knows JUST what I'm talking about!

Too old for (insert activity here)

2008-06-29T14:34:00.004-04:00

Having become a father at 39 my continued good health has always been something I've known I would have to keep up if I was to stay active with my daughter as she grew.

Well so much for that. I've been dealing with something that's never bothered me before these past few days, a bad back. For the past few days I've had pain when I did just about everything except breath. For me the sadness isn't that my body is breaking down it's that I don't have an ultra-macho reason for my back pain to brag about. No I did not injure myself executing a dead-lift at the gym nor did I hurt myself doing some ultra-mechanical upgrade on my car. It just went. And I'm hoping it has the decency to come back at some point.

Like any bad situation I have a talent for making it worse too. I decided to tackle one of the tasks my wife had decided for me that I wanted to do. One of them was to take out some of the shrubs in front of our house. These were the decorative ball ones that now, thanks to my distaste for trimming, were looking less,...ah..."ball-like". So I ventured out with every manner of yard tool I had that possessed a sharp blade. This meant my axe, hatchet, pruning shears, and for some reason my Martha Stewart edger. Doing this activity sober of course I didn't have the courage to bring what I truely wanted to remove the shrub. That being a gas can and a lit match.

So off I go, hacking away at this poor defenseless bush one limb at a time. Then, my back started to make it's distaste for yardwork known. The pain said "Sit down and relax.....NOW!". I obeyed. This continued on. So I would hack, grimace in pain, sit down, and do it again. If you could imagine how a 6' hummingbird would do yard work, this was it. It was then that two words came into my mind that put a real kink into my job,...tap root.

A tap root is a root that goes straight down from this type of bush and makes it nearly impossible for a weekend warrior gimp with a bad back like me to remove the stump. I had most of the bush off and tried to rock the stump out by standing on it and it wouldn't move an inch. So my next move is - chemicals. As it stands now it's out there and I'm going to making a trip to Lowes for something to kill the stump, tap root, and anything else growing around it. I have declared war.

But after a few days I've started to feel better. It now takes me less time after getting up from a chair to walk straight. Which really helped me out today when my daughter decided that when we're in a department store "stop!" means run away giggling. I so don't want to be the heavy when it comes to disciplining my daughter but you'd be surprised at how quickly that role materializes when your child scares the bejesus out of you by darting off in a department store.

I've read countless articles on toddlers and so has my wife. What I'm waiting for is the one that tells me when logic arrives. I tell my daughter "either sit in the cart, hold my hand, or let me hold you". Simple right? But no, she comes up with a fourth option which is "run like a maniac away from mommy and daddy". Suddenly, those freaks with their kids on leashes don't look that bad. I can't stay mad at her though. That little voice and those eyes just make you forget that you looked like a girl running in public after your 2 year old. I am too old for this.

Thank you for your time

2008-05-19T19:02:00.002-04:00

I've been in the hunt for a job for some time now. So long so that I've considered adding "Ward of the State" to my resume. Being out of work this long makes you a bit loopy. On the one hand, you're sweating the impending doom of a harsh financial reality. On the other hand, you get a slight kick out of the absurdity of some aspects of this process.

If I won the lottery, well,.....let's just say I'd be on a beach in Maui now and a young Malaysian boy named Pepe would be typing this for me as my hired servant. But let's just say this still is ME typing this, and let's say I was looking for an American woman to marry so I can stay in this country. Well, then I'd be Pepe and you're too late to ask me for some of my big lottery loot. But no, it's me, and if I could financially afford it, I'd continue the whole interview shenanigans on for a bit but for a change, on MY terms. Let me explain.

Some say an interview is like asking a girl out on a date and I'd go along with that. That is if my dates in the past were me asking a girl out and her responding with a request to see my bank account, a listing of all my past dates, and asking me to disrobe so she can see what kind of "potential" I had. Sadly, most of that was my dating life. To me an interview is like a staring contest and it doesn't matter if the other guy blinks, it only matters if YOU blink. Unfortunately I feel a lot of opportunities are lost on poor word choices and yucky fishy handshakes (can I help it if holding a fish helps my dermatitis?).

So, since the web is full of advice on what to do on an interview, here's a tip from me. I read on one site where they suggest you bring a business card that just lists all your contact information and give it to the interviewer for a professional appearance. I say, ask if they want your business card and if they agree, grab a Kleenex from your pocket and write (in Crayon) your name and number with phone misspelled as "Fone". Then ask if they need multiple copies for others present (if others are) and start pulling Kleenex's out of your pocket like you're a magician. Start putting them in front of empty chairs and say "Now here's one for you, one for you, and one for you".

Then, mid-interview, ask if you can go to the bathroom. When they say yes, just sit there and grunt slowly followed by a long pause then smile and say "I'm sorry, where were we?".

But my all time favorite on my "I wish I could do this" wish list is to purposely call the interviewer by the wrong name, even after he/she corrects you. So if they ask you "Where do you see yourself in five years" you respond with "Well Brian, I see me thriving at your company in a much greater capacity". Then when he goes "Actually, my name is Tom", you go "Tom?! What a silly thing to say BRIAN....now Brian, back to me, what do you think of this shirt? Brian".

Of course I would NEVER do that. Consider all of this frustration. Frustration from being out of work way too long when you are confident your credentials deserve better. Oh well, back to writing. "Dear Brian.............".

Oooooooooooookay

2008-04-22T19:06:00.000-04:00

Walking on the South Side today and two CMU students approach me and ask me to be in a video. Okay, I got time. They ask me to put on a stove pipe hat and pretend to be Andrew Carnegie. I haven't done standup in a long time and these kids probably didn't know they were asking someone who's done comedy to volunteer so I was going to give them a show.

Then it occurred to me. There's been a LOT of CMU folks who've gone on to do big things like Rob Marshall (directed the movie Chicago), Steven Bochco (Hill Street Blues), Holly Hunter, Ted Danson and a bunch others. I flashed ahead 20 years and saw the highlight reel to these kids lives and didn't want their American Film Institute award to be preceeded by a showcase of their earlier work, like "Schmuck Who Thinks He's Andrew Carnegie". "Yes honey, that's when Daddy helped out a few CMU hippies and later went home praying the prop stove-pipe hat they gave him didn't give his hair lice from whatever acid induced Dead head wore it before him". So I bailed on them.

Lastly, I'm nobody's monkey. I do comedy when "I" want to.

Starting over

2008-04-19T16:20:00.000-04:00

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