The Big J

Faith to me has always been very personnel. When I DID go to church on a regular basis it wasn't to form some sort of fellowship with those in the church, I was going for my own benefit. Okay, ya got me,...I went because my mother MADE me go..happy now?

I know enough about my faith to satisfy my needs which makes me what I would consider your run of the mill Catholic. So when the time came to explain God and Jesus to my 4 year old it was a struggle. She's starting pre-school soon and it's at a Catholic school and there's a very strong chance she'll wind up in a situation where she'll have to play a part in the "kneel down, stand up" dance I call the "Celestial Hokey-Pokey" that is my faith. So I decide now with about a month to go is as good as time as any.

My wife and I decide that we need to get her acclimated to going to church so we take her and I decide to lay a few nuggets of info that I have on her.
"See that Honey? That's Jesus".
"Is he on the cross".
"Well no, he's just got his arms outstreteched dear".
"Is he flying?"
"No sweetie, he's the savior, he's not Superman......or IS he".

So then the questions start.........and they are doozies.

"Why did they put him on the cross?"
"Well, honey...they were bad people:.
"Why where they bad?"
"Well,...they just were, now pay attention".
"Why he die for our sins dada"
"Okay look....that's all I know, happy? I'm a bad Catholic....okay!"

Of couse I didn't yell at my daughter in church. We did like all good Catholic parents did. We waited till we got to the car. Amen.

I'M FREE

Got to go out and see a comedy show last night. Yes, I miss doing that very much....doing the comedy thing that is. Being in a bar never really appealed to me me. Don't get me wrong...I luz mah alcohol, but I miss telling jokes and getting that immediate reaction from a large group.

Boo

I won't watch those ghost hunter shows and here's why. I have a theory that ghosts are around us all the time and they're cool about being around us. They don't bother us, we don't bother them. I'm afraid I'm going to have that ghost hunter show on TV, go to change it and THAT's when they really notice me and go "No no no wait....turn that back...was that Frank?".

Thanks for the help

Saw a truck today with a fire fighter logo but a huge emblem on the back that said proudly "I fight what you fear!". So i had to stop him at the next light and roll down my window and go "How do you kill them!". "What?". "Monsters!".

I KILL me....

So I posted a Happy Birthday message to a coworker, a young innocent coworker who really doesn't deserve my brand of evil.

I put several phrases on his Facebook page in several different languages.....Croation, Czech, Polish, and ended it with "In any language, have a happy birthday".

Nice, right? Except every language when translated said the same thing - "Go blow a goat". Really, when you think about it, if you got that far that you went to translate it, I think you too would even laugh.

Poor Frack,...we hardly knew ye

"Ah, honey? I think this fish is dead". After a goldfish that lasted less than 24 hours in my care, we decided to move on to a more hearty fish, guppies. Prior to that point I heard the word "guppies" and thought one of two things......bait and or pond dweller. That's where I assumed they came from. I thought of guppies as a fish that needed minnows in the world to feel good about themselves. "Sure I'm a guppy,...at least I'm not a minnow".

As it turns out, guppies are pretty nice looking fish and I almost can't see them on the end of a hook to lure a BIGGER fish....ah, to my fishing hook. I bought two guppies (we named them Frick and Frack) for my daughter to see and admire. As all child pet stories end, your's truely ended up doing all the care. Poor Frack, he might have faired better had the 4 year old taken interest.

ANYWHO.......they lasted the day...then more days.......then weeks. It seemed as if I had found my nitch fish, the guppy. I enjoyed seeing them come up to the top to feed. Even if they did feed like finicky toddlers and just nibble a flake or two letting the bulk of it fall to the pebbles below.

So one thing happened that may or may not have contributed to poor Frack's demise. The filter in the tank consists of a square fabric like ...ah, filter...that has charcoal in it and rests on a ledge on top of the tank. A pump below pulls water up and just spills it over the filter to get....filtered (need another word....fancied up??) and sent back below. Well lately the filter has been saturated and not all of it makes it out fancied up. Some of it escapes over a spillover area to the left of the filter.

I don't know if water quality contributed to the demise of Frack or the constant stream of water that came out stronger than from the filter. They seemed to be wary of it and huddled in the corner away from the filter. One day I saw Frack sort of swimming on his side. At that point I thought he'd gone and got the net. But as soon as I touched him....BOOOM, he was off. I don't blame him. If someone showed up to cart me off because I was just asleep.....I would have jumped up too.

This time, Frack clearly was gone. He was floating belly up (hey!! Is that where that phrase came from?). My wife said "He's probably just sleeping". Ah....no. Belly up??

So I get the net and have to make a small current to make him float out from under the filter so I can get him. This all made me wonder how Frick felt, now he has the tank all to himself. He seemed happier..if that's possible. "Thank GOD!! HE's gone.....yak yak yak yak yak......dude never shut up!". We're going to end up getting him some companionship soon. I may have to go to a different pet store soon before they start putting my picture up with a big sign "FISH KILLER".

Yes, I'm a d*ck

SWEAR TO GOD this happened;

"Hello, is Ray there?".
"This is him".
"Oh hello Mr. Cavender,....this is Connor Vern from the DNC".
"What?!? Oh your name is NOT Connor Vern".
"Sorry? Ah..yes...yes it is. It's Scottish".
"Scottish? Sounds like a porn name".
"Okay,..well, we're calling because the Republican smear campaign is in full swing. Operation Code Red. And we're counting on people like you to help fight. Most of our donors are giving upwards of $100, can we count on you?".
"Well...CONNOR Vern....if that IS your name, I'm actually registered as an Independent now..so I'm afraid I'll be giving my money to someone a little more independent minded".

Actually....I don't really give a shit who's running. But a hundred bucks?!?! Please!

SLEEEEEEP

There's a new study out by Professor Chris Idzikowski from the Sleep Assessment and Advisory Service that says how you sleep determines your personality. For example, those who sleep in the fetal position are sensitive but still with a tough exterior. Those who sleep on theri backs are said to be reserved, quiet, and keep high standards for themselves. Alas, the article was incomplete. I guess I'll have to keep wondering about myself as I fall aslseep on the carpet in front of the TV passed out from a sugar high of Coke and Cheerios.

Name this!

Ever hear those radio commercials that invite you to "name a star after somebody"? So...okay, if we go with the premise that this is real, I have one question. Do the astronomers and scientists who actually DEAL with stars and space on a regular basis seriously have to adopt this naming process? Can you imagine an emergency someday at NASA where one astronomer yells something like "LOOK!! A comet!! Heading straight for us!". "Where where!" shouts his buddy. Then the first one goes "Look, in the telescope,...see that bright object in the sky right by Iben Poopen and to the left of Mybalz Itch?".

Keeping me grounded

You CAN, on rare occasions, have a conversation with a 4 year old. I have and felt very rewarded for doing so. We connect, we bond, we share thoughts. Then there are times like today when we are having a conversation and I am handling my end well and the retort I get back from my daughter is "Daddy, poo and tinkle live under ground". Hmmmm....really sweetie, well....Daddy didn't know that. Point well taken. I beleive I shall use this phrase or another gem of hers when I am stuck without an answer at work. "Why wasn't this taken care of yesterday?", and I shall reply "My big girl pants are up my bum-bum". They can't fire you if you're crazy,..really, I looked it up.