Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Thoughts on the holidays

I was commenting on my buddy John's BLOG on a post he did for his feelings on the holidays. The longer it went, the more creative I got I thought, why not "re-gift" this for myself and post it right here. I'd recommend reading John's BLOG though. If you like zombies and space shuttles, you're in for a treat. I'm waiting for the space shuttle PILOTED by zombies. Now THERE's a tale. I'm kidding John.

I normally head to John's blog to leave a sarcastic remark, a witty retort, or a casual guffaw. But for this time I came to bring you news of hope. John wanted to know with all the commercialism surrounding Christmas just where Jesus fits in these days. Why he's all over. All you need to is stop, pay attention, and perk up your ears as you hear people say "Jesus, is this line long" or "Jesus, who'd a thought I'd be in line at Best Buy for four hours".

But the news isn't all bad. It's during the holiday season where you do see the good in people as they kindly let you merge in on the highway. Perhaps this is due to their good natured feelings coming from some upcoming days off from work. Rest assured though, they know deep in their hearts that come January 2nd, if you were to try that in front of them....they'll send you and your car straight to hell first before they give you a break. I'm talking to you blue haired old lady who PRETENDS she can't see me. I KNOW YOU CAN SEE ME GRANNY!!!

Me, I got to spend some quality time with my family and got things I really need. Not that Christmas is about what you get. We all know as adults that Christmas is for the kids. I know it, you know it, and several marketing firms on Wall Street looking to sell your kid whatever crap toy they've bought into pumped out of Taiwan by some guy who just two weeks ago was hawking live chickens on a steet corner. He knows it too. I got an interesting assortment of gifts. From one of my sisters I got some jeans, from another a car emergency kit, and from my parents I got a fine bottle of whiskey. This of course means my New Years resolution to be drunk and shirtless on the side of a road waiting for AAA is right on track!

Happy New Year!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The doctor will see you now

Any recurring pain that you can't explain away with excuses like arthritis or the occasional taser attack from that female coworker who thinks you're a bit too "grabby" should most likely be investigated. This is the case with my mysterious "tail bone" pain.

Every once in a while I would get a dull ache about four inches above, how should I say it,...awe who cares, we're all adults here, above my poop hole. It would radiate around the area and actual inhibit my walking for a few minutes. Events like this have been happening a lot and since I had the day off, I thought I'd have it checked out.

The worst part of the whole doctor visit thing for me has to be the waiting room. There are the usual characters. There's soccer kid, still in his uniform accompanied by a parent who will at some point tell him to "SETTLE DOWN!". There's the adorable old couple, the 80'ish folks who look so cute you want to put them on top of a very old and smelly cake. Then there's my all-time favorite, "personal-space" lady. The large woman who scans a room full of empty seats only to put her porky biceps 6" over your arm rest all the while breathing as if she just ran a marathon. When they call my name, I'm overjoyed to be sprung from this Star Wars bar of aches and pains.

So I go in and get usual barrage of questions that I have just ONE big answer for. No. "Smoke?". "No". "On any medications?". "No". "History of werewolfism?". "No,...wait, what?!". "Just seeing if you were paying attention".

So I describe the pain I was feeling to the doctor and the reason I came in was that being over 40, I thought I should be checked out for something. I honestly had no idea where my prostate was. I have no excuse for that, I have internet access, it coulda been easily found out. The doctor assured me it wasn't that because my prostate is located directly up from the old "taint". I apologized for my ignorance and not knowing where my prostate was. She said no problem and that most men don't know, adding that women know more about men's anatomy than they do. Hmmmm...........really? Bah-LONEY! Men know JUST as much if not more about WOMEN's anatomy. There are just some things we, well, just don't listen to. When my wife was told about the side effects of the pill, stroke, heart attack, lowering your expectations of a mate, all I heard was "You are CLEARED for lift off captain!".

So my doctor visit as it turns out WAS for nothing, not if you don't count the requisite weigh-in before the visit. I am grossly overweight and it's my goal now to lose 40lbs in 6 months. I am determined, I CAN do it. As I sit here eating my pizza and sucking down the last of a delicious chocolate shake I am reminded of all the great doers this country has seen. I can do this. No where's my elipitcal machine? AH! There it is, now I need to find another place for these coats.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Our new family picture.

Tell the truth, if you HAD to imagine what a,...oh I dunno....cookie jar with glasses would look like, that guy in the middle would JUST about cover it, right?