Thursday, July 31, 2008

Ah age. How DO you manage to screw me.

I was never the cool guy in the room. Even typing "cool guy" is a dead give away - I was never cool. Nobody cool actually SAYS the world cool.

But tonight is the biggest indicator that I am a un-cool blob of Boronium,...the main chemical compound found in 99.9% of all boring people. Go ahead,...get your Periodic's on there.

Here's the scenario. My wife and lovely daughter are staying over at her parents so that they TOO can know the intense stress that comes with wanting to pull your eyebrows out that occurs just around naptime. So I have the entire place to myself. So why am I not living it up? Getting drunk? Dancing around in my underwear ala Tom Cruise? Okay, that last one was light years away from cool. See!?

It's because of changing priorities. Back in my 30's I would have used this time to, oh I dunno, see a band,...go see a want to know what "crazy wild" thing I want to do tonight? GO TO SLEEP EARLY!

Holy shit Ray!! Call the cops! YOU sir.......are out of control. I know, I am the very definition of lame. Check it out;

lame /leɪm/ - adjective, lam·er, lam·est, verb, lamed, lam·ing, noun
–adjective 1. crippled or physically disabled, esp. in the foot or leg so as to limp or walk with difficulty.
2. impaired or disabled through defect or injury: a lame arm.
3. weak; inadequate; unsatisfactory; clumsy: a lame excuse.
4. A 42 year old man who has a free night to do whatever he wants and chooses to eat potato chips and watch Family Guy.

Hmmm.............potato chips and Family Guy. Wait a minute,....maybe I'm onto something here. Mabye,...just maybe....THAT is what's "cool" to me and to guys my age at this point in our lives. You know, that might be it. Hey! I just MIGHT be cool still! But in a 42 year old, sorta overweight, occasionally farting sort of way. LOOK OUT FONZI!! I AM THE COOLEST NOW! (I know....I know...see definition number 4 under lame).

Thursday, July 24, 2008

High gas prices bring out the loons.

I pulled into our local KFC today to buy my daughter one of her many vices, KFC mashed potatos (or TOES!! as she calls them) and I ended up behind this.

All I can say is, what a man does in the privacy of his own home is between him and the polar bear of his choosing and is nobody else's business.

Now obviously this schmuck has drunk the Kool-aid (or Kook-aid) and thinks "drill monday, cheap gas by friday". WRONG!

My favorite was the other side that said something like "Global warming is a hoax. Carbon Dioxide is plant food". Which is right. And maybe my bestiality charged freind in front of me in line is a botanist and knows something I don't know.

Like he knows of a plant that eats Hydrocarbon emissions. Those are the fuel molecule fragments not completely burned that form ground level ozone in the presense of nitrogen oxide and sunlight.

And maybe there's a particular plant that eats Carbon MONoxide, another product of incomplete burning of hydrocarbon based fuels. More than likely, this wing nut is listening to the insane rantings of the nutjob talk radio hosts who spout this baseless drivel to the only unintelligent sponges that will eat it up. Namely, my polar bear loving freind in the SUV in front of me. The same SUV that gets lousy gas mileage......and burns more gas in a drive through than if he'd just park it and walk his lazy ass inside to pick up his food himself.

Don't even get me started on his lack of punctuation.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Ignore the experts, get it from the bunny.

If you Google childcare advice you'll likely find advice from such sources as,, and for the southerner who needs help,

Why seek advice you ask? What do you need guidance on? Is that a full bag of Doritos on your desk? All valid questions.

You see, our daughter has it in her that whatever we say, some how SOME way, we're screwing her over. Here's a perfect example. We're going somewhere together. I get ready first, keys...and I try to get her in the car so we can wait for her mother. No way. She would make an excellent infantryman in that she will leave "no man behind".

"Mum-mum too!" is the cry I hear and no matter what I say, that's what I get. So it normally goes like this.

"Let's go baby, Daddy will put your shoes on".
"Mum-mum too".
"Yes baby, Mummy is going too, let's go downstairs and wait for her".
"MUM-MUM TOO!!". At this point, the panic (for whatever reason) starts to set in.
"Of course baby, Mum-mum is coming. She just has to find her shoes".
"Baby, come on. Mum-mum will meet us downstairs".
"NOooooooooo!!! Mum-Mum TOOOOOO!!!!".

At this point, I abandon Supernanny, Dr. Phil, and any "supposed" expert and rely on the only expert that matters. Bugs Bunny.

"Baby, would you like Mum-mum to come too?".
"Okay!(sniff sniff...sob)". Problem solved.

For you see, you can read all the books, watch all the TV shows, and consult your "expert" freinds, nothing will cure THIS particular situation better than the old "Duck Season Wabbit Season" line of reasoning.

And they say you can't learn anything from cartoons....BAH!

Sunday, July 13, 2008

A big fun fat time

Kids. They are such a joy. You never think you can do enough for them. What's the most loving thing you can do for your toddler. Well, if you're us, you strap her in a car seat, put the DVD player on a drive her three hours and forty-five minutes away to Columbus Ohio.

We had always wanted to "test" how our daughter would do on a long trip and let me be the first to say...........not good. A 2 1/2 year old's patience is about as thin as the reasons we went to war in Iraq,...yeah, that's right, I said it! About an hour and a half into the drive we started getting warning moans, which we know always preceed a full blown cry.

We got to the zoo later than expected and it was SUPER SUPER hot. The Columbus Zoo is a fantastic zoo and is home to Jungle Jack Hanna, a frequent Tonight Show and Letterman guest. One of my goals is to get to the Bronx Zoo some day. It's ranked in the top 10 on just about anything you read about zoos. At the Columbus Zoo just the parking lot alone is enormous and it has an adjacent water park. Our daughter is too young for that now, but maybe soon. Anyway, so we had to leave early because she was fading fast due to the heat so we headed to our hotel room.

Typically, on the way over she fell asleep in the car (thank you air conditioning). We thought, no biggee, just carry her up to the room. WRONG!! She normally will fall asleep and when you carry her, she'll peak out of one eye...see that she's home, and fall right back to sleep. This time she did that and of course, she saw a hotel hallway, an elevator...nope, this kid was awake now and hyper. I'll never get this kid. When she's tired, I guess to keep herself awake, she is in a word, manic. She bounces off the walls. So that's what we had to deal with in trying to get her back to sleep on the giant king sized bed that she wanted to bounce on.

So, she of course didn't sleep so now what do we do. Well, I knew we weren't going to get her to go back to sleep so we went to the mall nearby. After that, I decided to take her swimming. Two things you have to know here. Number one, I don't swim and being 2 1/2, neither does she. But I figured she'd have a blast if I held her in the 3 foot section.

To say that she had a blast is an understatement. In her short time on this earth, I've never seen her that happy. I wish I could say the same for me. I hate having my shirt off. Saying I am out of shape is somehow (in my mind) implying I was ever IN shape. I haven't been. Well, maybe when I was a baby. When me and everyone around me was short, pale, and pudgy. But that's it.

My wife was taking pictures of us having fun in the hotel pool. I severly cropped myself out of them before I uploaded them for family. In one shot I can see my enormous back fat. With my back fat meeting at my spine, it appears that I in fact have an enormous ass crack that goes nearly up to my neck. This saved us money the rest of the trip because I tried my best to cut back on what I ate. That is AFTER I saw the pictures. Staying for free (used Marriott points) we took advantage of that and ordered room service which TOTALLY kicked ass. And worth all the money too. If I sound like I'm complaining, well, I am maybe a little. But I wouldn't trade this past weekend with my family for anything.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Potty training

It's five months till our daughter's 3rd birthday and frankly we're getting desperate. The potty training hasn't been going well and we're looking at other ideas.

My wife bought an Elmo's Potty Time DVD to see if some encouragement from a familiar face like his would help. So we put it in the DVD player and with some convincing, we get her over to the potty.

As soon as it starts, she get's a strange look on her face as if to say "What is THIS propaganda?". She's probably wondering if we're going to force her to watch a video on a timeshare following this.

And I feel so bad watching it myself. Because It's Elmo..........going "number two" as he says,....and all I could think of was "Okay, who cleans the matted feces out of HIS fur". And anybody who's had a dog knows JUST what I'm talking about!