Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Keeping me grounded

You CAN, on rare occasions, have a conversation with a 4 year old. I have and felt very rewarded for doing so. We connect, we bond, we share thoughts. Then there are times like today when we are having a conversation and I am handling my end well and the retort I get back from my daughter is "Daddy, poo and tinkle live under ground". Hmmmm....really sweetie, well....Daddy didn't know that. Point well taken. I beleive I shall use this phrase or another gem of hers when I am stuck without an answer at work. "Why wasn't this taken care of yesterday?", and I shall reply "My big girl pants are up my bum-bum". They can't fire you if you're crazy,..really, I looked it up.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Stop in again!

Ever have a pleasant uninvited guest? I guess putting the word "uninvited" has so many negative conotations you probably haven't. Well I did. I had 5 very large guests this evening.

My neighborhood isn't at all different from planned communities you see everywhere. A yard just big enough that mowing it with one of those electric mowers wouldn't make sense. I have a small yard in front and a decent sized area in back and the kicker here is for the story, my yard ends in a very thick wooded area.

After work tonight I decided to do something productive and clean out my car so I left it out on the driveway. Normally I am not productive in the evening and on days like last Friday, I drown my sorrows in a Jack and Coke, or as I like to call it "Pain go bye-bye juice".

So I'm out in my driveway pulling Wendy's rappers and Kleenex (the title of my last album) out of my car when I suddenly hear a leaf crack behind me. I check quickly to make sure my "Sounds Of Nature" CD is out of my car stereo (BTW - if you ever need to grab a couple quick Z's at a stop light - BUY IT!) and I turn around to see three deer not 15 feet away from me in my yard eating my crab apples. I freeze. VERY slowly, I back up against my car and face them resting my butt against the car for support. All of a sudden, three deer turn into five. At this point I am just in total disbeleif at what I'm seeing. There's about three fawns and two adults and one of them is pretty big and eyeing me up flintching at any move I make.

Not like I'd ever have an opportunity to take a picture but it's just KILLING me that I can't take their picture. This is the one time I didn't have my cell phone camera with me. So there I stood, motionless........leaning against my car just watching these peaceful creatures eat the fallen crab apples. It's about then I try to test my psychic abilities to get my wife to look out the window. No dice. What struck me as amazing was these deer, again, not 15 feet away from me just stared at me and looked at the ground too as if to say "Sooooo......we cool?".

This whole event lasted a good ten minutes with the adults bolting first and the younger deer sticking around (kids!...Pfffft!, right?). So I go back in the house, my hands almost shaking from being that close to so many.........the theme from Born Free playing in my head.......then it hits me. Those are the bastards that have been clearing out my bird feed every night!! "I HOPE YOU GET THE SHITS FROM THOSE YOU SEED STEALING ASSHOLES!!!".

Monday, October 5, 2009

A lesson in perspective

Some sounds are good. Some are bad. As I was backing out of my garage this morning I heard one from column B, the bad sound column. Ever hear the sound a balloon makes if you rub against your hand, a sweater, sleeping hobo? That sort of 10 percent good squeaky sound but mostly bad? Well I heard that, and it was not a balloon being rubbed on a hobo it was my car rubbing against the wood trim on the garagae. This was indeed a bad sound.

So with my daughter in the back lost in her 8 billionth viewing of Wall-E there I was in the driveway at the crack of dawn feverishly trying to make the bad bad site go away. First a wet rag to get the white paint off my still not fully ours yet car. Then an old bath sponge. Finally I Got the paint off but could feel (but not fully see due to the small amount of sun around) a scratch, a protruding scratch. Out of frustration and the need to harm something that wasn't me (the REAL culprit) I angrily tossed the bucket of water i brought out against the driveway and it loudly smacked against our garage door. My daughter didn't find this scary, just odd. She is quite the observationalist and knew this wasn't right and she proceeded to tell me that it was "bad to make a mess". Yes sweetie, but the bucket had it coming.

So off we go, her to my in-laws and me to work all the while I'm cursing the big loon that is me. Then I look in my rear view mirror and I see my daughter with her knit hat but the mittens I had just put on her tucked up under the hat. "Sweetie, what are you doing?" I said as she made a sound that appeared to be clucking. "I'm a rooster Daddy! Cluck..cluck!". I know what foolish is now. Foolish isn't a three year old pretending to be a rooster, nope,,.....we NEED that type of nonsense to ground us. Foolish is a 43 year old yutz behaving like a baby in his driveway at 6:50 am on a Monday. Now I know.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Product Warning

Having recently graduated from the fru-fru sissy girl coffee Starbucks pours out to regular coffee I've been searching for that one magic brand that I will stick with until I can no longer pee without assistance and they tell me my heart condition necessitates me going to decaf. It's THEN when I put the pillow over my head.

Until then I am constantly in a search for "my" coffee, the coffee I will swear by, the coffee I will go to a restaurant or someone's house and scream "WHAT?!? You don't have Beany McJava's morning roast?! I am OUTTA here!". I made up the coffee name but you get the point. MY brand....that I will live and die by.

My search has taken me to Dunkin Donuts Cinnamon coffee (a delight!), and Seattle's Best Cinnimon Roll (is this coffee or heaven in a cup?). Both excellent choices but a bit on the pricey side and I have better things to waste mon......WAIT!! Ding Dongs for 99 cents!! Sign me up!!

So I need to find a less trendy brand that will be my staple. I go into Wal Mart before work because that's convenient and the most fun. It's fun because the early morning hours are when they stock the place and I get my jollies out of asking stupid questions to people giving you a look that just screams "just keep walking pal". So the coffee aisle is the same old story, HUGE friggin container of Maxwell House and tiny nine dollar bags of the good stuff. All of a sudden I see Folgers Gourmet Blend and it's flavored. Hold the phone......there's cinnimon!!! It was under five bucks and I think "this is a STEAL!".

The next morning, my wife has it brewing and the kitchen smells GREAT! I start thinking "Did my dream come true? Am I finally going to be able to DRINK a donut?". This is going to be great! Drive in to work giving it enough time to get to a reasonable temperature and start to drink it. MAN!! That is GR...wait, what's this funny after taste. HOLY CRAP!! This is AWFUL. It's this tremenously gratifying cinnimon taste followed by this horrible burnt plastic smell and taste. DAMN YOU FOLGERS!!! To illustrate,...imagine ice cream. Who doesn't like ice cream right? Now imagine eating ice cream out of a used diaper. THAT is what this coffee is like. I was tricked by this suductiveness of cinnimon. This beautiful girl called Folgers showed up and lavished me with compliments and begged for my attention and then we got back to her place and I see she has a penis. THAT is what this coffee did to me!!!! So beware coffee drinkers.......stay clear of cheap trashy coffees!!

Monday, August 31, 2009

Yeah Clint!

Growing up a lot of my freinds played music and were interested in bands. None of them are doing it on a regular basis let alone professionally. I am proud to say, my freind since we were 6 years old, Clint Stewart has not only been doing it professionally but sustaining himself quite well. That's an achievement for guys who grew up in my neck of the woods. He's got a CD coming out and it's amazing. I was lucky enough to get it ahead of time. If you get a chance, check out Clint and Laila's website. Laila, is Clint's better half and HOLY cow can she sing.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Happy Birthday Barbie

Yesterday was what would have been my sister Barbie's birthday. For the 2nd year in a row, me and my other two older sisters got together to remember her. We aren't much on tradition in my family so that really means a lot to me.

Saturday, June 13, 2009


Just like in 1979 Pittsburgh is the City Of Champions again after the second major sports team in town, the Pittsburgh Penguins won a championship this year!

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Better off

I would never pronounce someone "better off dead" at their passing. I think death is a loss fealt by many people and no one really is better off.

Then there is David Carradine who was found hanging in an apparent "auto-erotic asphyxiation attempt. I initially felt sad for the former Kung Fu star but then I thought about it. What if that was it for him. What if he had done every crazy, wild, hair up your ass sexual deviancy and they did nothing for him and THIS...was it.

I mean can you imagine, he's sitting in a hotel in Bankok (now to be known as CHOKEkok...bah dum boom PEEESH!) and he's looking at a list of things he's done evaluating his next step. "Let's see,....gerbil up the ass..CHECK, done that. Car battery clamps on the nipples...CHECK, done that. Curling iron up the ass while making love to a pie...CHECK. WAIT!!! I know!! I could tie a rope around my neck AND my junk....strangle could I NOT do it!!".

So you see, there was nothing left in the world for this man to do. He had gotten to a point where choking off the blood supply to his brain while masturbating was the only way he could face the day. I would imagine that finding his 72 year old nude body in a Bankok hotel room with his neck and junk tied by the authorities was NOT his intended outcome but perhaps had he grown tired of the old Mom and Pop auto-erotic asphyxiation, maybe public humilation while doing it would have been next. So long David Carradine.........we hardly knew ye.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Old noises

You'd think I use my iPod on my eliptical machine because I enjoy the rhythm and pace the music lets me go at. Wrong. I'm 43 and out of shape. I get my iPod because it is extremely disheartening to hear my knees crack as they move. And it's not a slight noise either. It's a noise so loud that were someone to walk in the room while my knees were making their noise, I would have to say that my immediate reaction would be to loudly cough over them to disguise the noise.

But I must continue the charade. Exercise to feel good, eat to feel better, and look in the mirror after a shower NEVER!! Who ever invented the full length bathroom mirror should have his nuts ripped off. I look like the bizarre offspring of an elderly Ryan Oneil and a manatee.

I just can't get into the diet thing again. If I had to give some reasons it would be that diets lack taste, they're too complicated, and pizza just plain f**kin' rules! I mean COME ON!! Pizza is a relentless bitch godess that haunts me and calls my name. "Ray....I'm so cheesey,'ll erase all I've done to you with that jowl work you keep threatening your wife you're gonna get anyway! Go for it!".

So my knees will continue their symphony of age and lethargy. After all, I am a man. And by nature we all assume...few pushups.....the occasional jog, hey....i'm not so bad!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

May 17th

Lost you two years ago today Barbie..........I miss you.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Got any CD's?

A noun
1 procrastinator, postponer, cunctator
someone who postpones work (especially out of laziness or habitual carelessness) daughter at naptime.

The lengths at which my daughter will go to fib to defer the inevitabe, a nap, if it wasn't directed at me would be quite impressive. She is quite relentless. It is no coincidence that the only time she's spot on about telling us she needs to go to the potty is when she's lying in bed being put down for a nap. Then the snowjob starts. "I have to go tinkle". Then it's decision time for us. DON'T put her on and we may miss a chance to reiforce the potty, she really might have to go. But 99.999% of the time, she's playing us. The potty is just one thing she knows we'll drop everything for. I'm waiting for her to one day shout "LET'S PLAY PICTIONARY!" or "I HAVE THE NEW SEASON OF ENTOURAGE!!....I wanna see what happens to that douche-bag Vince!". ANYTHING to get out of a nap.

This is where, as God as my witness, I just don't get kids. I would snitch on a close freind, kick over an elderly person, anything you ask me to do if it would get me 15-20 minutes of good uninterrupted sleep. It's almost a given that if I need a nap on the weekend and I am counting on my daughter to nap at the same time, the majority of those times I'll get like 5 minutes before she decides she's had enough. I'd like to expound more on this but it's late...........and I could use a nap!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Fun happens, it's not planned

I go into special occasions with the best of intentions. I want that perfect card, that perfect evening, and though that may sound slightly less than masculine (and HUGELY gay) it's not. It's my competitive nature that makes me want to, at the end of the night go "See! Look what I did!".

But the most memorable days I've had with my wife have come from those times when we just took a drive, showed up 5 minutes before a movie started, beat up a hobo, you know, fun stuff.

So for our 15th wedding annivesary, the only real "planning" I did was to take the day off and ask my wife to see if my in-laws could watch our daughter for the night. I knew two things, I wanted to buy my wife an anniversary present and I wanted to eat.

Ever see those Jared The Galleria of Jewelery commercials? It's always two Yentas (Shalom to my Hebrew bruthas) talking about their Yenta freind who brow beat some poor slob into buying something for her at this place with the tag line "He went to Jared!". After going there myself, I'm guessing he left pissed. Jewelery sales people are usually on you like stink on a monkey from the moment you set foot in the store. Not these guys. My wife is looking at saphire (her birthstone) rings and I'm looking at two thousand dollar watches and NOBODY bats an eye at us, which really pissed me off because I lettered in eye-batting in high school!

So we go to Macy's and my wife finds a very nice yellow gold ring with saphires on it. Very nice. Was it too much? You betcha. But you only have this milestone once. Next it was "What do YOU want".

I "thought" I wanted an iPod Touch. My buddy John has been raving about his and he's usually pretty good on what's worth it and what's not. But I really have not been that gadgety lately and I'm happy with my crappy old iPod (and its black and white display..."EEEeew!"). So my wife suggested a watch. Macy's had men's watches but they were from Guess and Fossil and I just cant be 43 and wear a Fossil watch, no matter HOW nice the day-glow peace sign is on it. I know, I'm picky, right?

So I decide if I'm gettig a watch, it's gotta be one I will NOT lose or neglect. Which means, something pricey. I immediately gravited towards Tag Heuer, makers of fine Swiss watches and i'm sure in some capacity, chocolate. Don't they ALL make chocolate over there?

So we go to Littman's and sonofagun, they have them. Now, I had NO clue how much they cost, I just knew they were a prestigious name. The first one I look at...ah..NICE...eleven hundred dollars. We'll just be putting you RIGHT back now. I did happen to come during a sale, some they were discontinuing were %50 percent off! I saw a blue one, I really liked it. And that's saying a lot. I'm not into flashy things. But this watch (this is it by the way) stood out to me. So we thank the nice salesperson and split. NO WAY was I going to be able to get that watch, even at %50 off!

So we go, have a nice lunch, and soon enough we are back and I decide to go for it. I was nervous as hell. Then my wife said something that relaxed me. She said "If this was a PC, you wouldn't even be blinking now". She was right. Hell, I'd be upset at the cost only because I'd know that it wouldnt' be as fast as I wanted it to be BECAUSE it was cheap, well, cheap for PC's.

Then the financing questions started. "This extended warranty plan will pay for itself" to which I added "Can it? Can it in fact, just pay for itself?" I said smiling. Jewlery sales people aren't the best jokers. So, we didn't have that great fantastic evening I had hoped for but I got to spend time with my best freind in the whole wide world and she got something that she'll remember this milestone and so did I. Today, I was a lucky guy.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Catch me on my cell!

There are very few times I get to listen to the radio in the morning. My radio has been taken over by my three year old who is slowly torturing me with The Wiggles. I'm happy she likes music but even the music I listen to will eventually drive me to want to put an ice pick through my temple if I listen to it too much. I am at that point with most toddler music.

But anyway, the one rare time I got to listen to the radio the other day the morning DJs were talking about cell phone pet peeves and one of them was using the cell phone in the grocery store. This, I am guilty of and I would hazard to guess the grocery store cell phone call has saved many a marraige by clarifying badly written lists...."Oh,...I thought you meant TABLE bad".

But today I was picking up things on a list I myself was having trouble reading("What the hell is a LAMpon") and I heard a rare gem of a cell phone call. At first I heard this guy talking about hotel reservations and I'm thinking "Well, this guy is some executive who has to multi-task". I round the corner and see it's just some fat schlub with a ski jacket on making plans with his freind. And then he says something, I swear to you, I am gonna hark back on the rest of my life when I need a good laugh.

The deal was, he was trying to connect with a freind and was debating flying versus driving. His logic went like this,....not making this up..."No man, you have to fly because driving is too long. What? No,'s like this...."A"...if you drive, you'll be too tired to do anything and "2"'ll never....". What?!!?!? In what bizarre school for the galatically stupid do you emphasize points with "A" then "2". I swear, i wanted to stop everybody I saw and go "Did you HEAR this clown?". But I didn't, I was too busy talking on MY cell verifying the type of bread I needed to buy.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Let the games begin.....and end quickly for me....

Hooray!!! Both my wife's alma mater (Pitt) and mine (Robert Morris) are in the NCAA tournement. For my school, it's been years since they seen the tournement. I'm thinking I have to place an intra-marraige wager with my significant other. How quickly, will MY school get their ass handed to them. WE SHALL SEE!!!!

Monday, March 2, 2009

Mattress Shopping

When we got the crib for our baby I can remember looking at dozens of them and ultimately we settled for the one that had the most functionality. Because of it's adjustability, this one would convert from a crib to a day bed to an adult bed with the addition of bed rails. About a year ago we converted it from a crib into a day bed and that's what she's been sleeping in and to tell you the truth, it's never seemed to be right for her.

I mean, what "is" a day bed. It brings to mind conversations of "Oh sure Cousin Ethel, you can stay with us. We'll fix up the "day bed" for you. Or "Honey, that bum is down on his luck, SURELY we can put him up in our "day bed". For my money, if it's not a bed, it's lumped in with hammocks, sleeping bags, and the dreaded futon.

So we went shopping for her "big girl" bed on Saturday. As soon as we set foot in the store we are met with an overy made-up woman, late 50's, who practically ignores me. She wanted to talk to the decision maker....which of course......isn't me. We take a short trip up the escalator and here's where she got creepy. Keep in mind.......we JUST met this lady not 45 seconds ago. "Yes, they do grow up quick don't they. I think it's eaiser with girls. I mean don't get me wrong, you have to worry about both of them...with my boys I just would yell......wear a raincoat.....wear a raincoat!". So I wait.....five, four, three, two....what?! No look?! I was SO waiting for my wife to turn around and look at me so we could share a couple's "What the FUCK?!" momemnt. But I had to pretty much put a cap on it for her and affirm that yes,...she did hear what she thought she heard.

For my money, this is a definate A+ sales pitch. Why I remember when we bought our last SUV. The first thing the salesperson did was open the hatch and go "Look at that space, why, could easily nail a stewardess there and still have enough room for the Cuban boy who sold you both ecstasy to videotape it for you!". Sold!

Flash foward to the display floor and we are left to look by ourselves without the help of Dr. Ruth. I sense my little girl growing disinterested fast so I take her to this big wooden ship thing they have for kids to climb on. Everything goes great for a while, she's having fun, I'm having fun watching her.....she's clutching a used drinking straw....I'm having...WHAT THE SHIT?!?! PUT THAT DOWN!!! It was getting so a furniture store couldn't hold a three year old's interest. I mean come on!!!

My wife, the decision maker, comes back and we're set to go. Next stop! The department store where we can buy the video we promised her for going pottie!! This is the circle of life. When you're young, this is celebrated. When you're old like me, this is met with a can of Lysol in the face. Hey, sue me,...I like Mexican.

Monday, February 23, 2009

An Upcoming Milestone

I write this at what I hope to be the absolute low point of the negotiations as to what me and my wife hope to do for our fifteen year anniversary. It's gone from a lost weekend in Vegas to lunch. Rax I suggested? This got me banished downstairs and onto the computer.

That's right, fifteen years! You,.. the kid who stumbled upon this blog after looking for the latest on Hannah Montanna (15 years ago that mention was Debbie Gibson), YOU weren't even around then.

Let me be clear, I forget dates very easily. My wife bought me a datebook once to keep track of important events - I lost it. Oh how I wished I was there as some stranger picked it up hoping to see the secret life of a Wall Street power broker or a busy doctor only to see entries like "Tuesday - tape Bugs Bunny marathon, buy Zingers at the store".

But this date had my attention for a while. I can remember aspiring to a trip to Europe for our 10th. Surely, I thought at the time, only a total LOON wouldn't be able to save up for that milestone with the time I gave us? Well, call me Mr. Loon. But fifteen years gave me pause for reflection. We had to do something special.

I initially wanted a visit to Vegas. Our last trip to Vegas was sort of a family outing. My wife was pregnant with our three year old at the time. We had found out only weeks before. We would have won at one of the tables but the baby kicked and ruined my pefect pair of 6's. Not buying it? Well, neither did the pit boss. What a time, she was eating for two and I was doing my part and drinking for two. Ah memories. No really.....I'm sad about that, I have no memories. GOD I was toasted. But I digress.

The issue is, what do we do with our daughter. Our daughter means the world to us but I want one night where we can just be us again. So it's gone from Vegas, to a weekend at a nice hotel, to now dinner. I had to stress dinner to my wife. We both have off that day and she suggested a nice lunch. Lunch? So fifteen years and it's "hoagies for two?!". No way, it will be nice and memorable or my name isn't,...isn' know I really should get into a program. I haven't a clue what my name is, or that talking rabbit next to me either.

The bottom line is I want it to be special because for some reason unbeknownst to me, the man upstairs decided to do one giant thing right for me and pointed me towards someone who would become my best friend and the mother of my little 3-year old angel who is my light and never ending joy. Fifteen years isn't much when you think of our parents, but you can't swing a dead cat today without finding someone who's been through a divorce. Oh and by the way, beating someone with a dead cat at least in this state is DEFINITE grounds for divorce. Anybody can have a wife, I have a partner and a friend. And on top of that, a friend who'll look the other way as I steal a $20 from her purse. Ah, amour!

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Well said..........

I happened to be looking at a Cleveland Browns blog online and right after the Steelers won their sixth Super Bowl they were just beside themselves with hate. Over and over, the theme was, our greatest crime being Steeler fans was our pride. How dare we be proud of this great city and the wonderful people who inhabit it. Sorry Cleveland and haters everywhere, you're just going to have to get used to it. I hope I don't get into trouble, but this is from an Orlando (NOT Pittsburgh) newspaper.

Mike Bianchi, Orlando Sentinel


One of the heroes of the game nearly became a bus driver.

The owner of the team walks to work every day.

The fans of the team drink Iron City beer, wave dish towels and

ignored the slumping economy to make their pigskin pilgrimage and

turn the Super Bowl into a Sunshine State version of the Steel City.

This is why we should all be glad that Pittsburgh is now the home of

more Super Bowl championships than any franchise in the history of

pro football: Because the players are hungry, the owner is humble and

the fans are loyal.What more could you want out of the NFL’s

champion of champions?

And what more could you want from a Super Bowl?

From Jennifer Hudson’s remarkable rendition of the national anthem

Sunday to the Boss bringing down the house at halftime to Santonio

Holmes making one of the greatest catches in NFL history for the

winning touchdown with 35 seconds left, this will go down as a Super

Bowl for the ages.

The Steelers, by virtue of their unbelievable, inconceivable 27-23

defeat of the Arizona Cardinals, have now won a record sixth Super

Bowl and their second in four years.They are small-market team that doesn’t

pay big-time salaries and yet they continue to win ... and win ... and win.

In these trying economic times, how can you not feel good that it’s the

Steelers who have become the model franchise in all of professional sports.

Some other of the NFL’s other dynastic franchises have come and gone,

but the Steelers just keep coming.

The Green Bay Packers? They haven’t won a Super Bowl in more than a

decade. The San Francisco 49ers? They haven’t had a winning season in

six years and haven’t been to a Super Bowl in 15.

The Dallas Cowboys? They make headlines because their quarterback

dates Jessica Simpson and their wide receiver is a team cancer, but

they haven’t won a playoff game in a dozen years. In contrast,

Pittsburgh’s quarterback Ben Roethlisberger is the youngest

quarterback (26) to ever win two Super Bowls, and the only

controversy star wide receiver Hines Ward has been involved in is

that opposing defenses complain that he plays too physical.

The Steelers are the New York Yankees of the NFL — without the

arrogance and the payroll. George Steinbrenner buys championships;

the Rooney family builds them.Every one of Pittsburgh’s star players —

Roethlisberger, Troy Polamalu, Willie Parker, Hines Ward and

James Harrison — were either drafted by the team or discovered off the street.

Harrison, with his spectacular 100-yard interception return at the

end of the first half, made one the greatest plays in Super Bowl history.

He was undrafted out of college, signed as a rookie free agent by the

Steelers in 2002 and nearly quit football during his struggling early

years to become a Greyhound bus driver.

This is why the Steelers should be celebrated. They win without the

knuckleheads that dot so many professional rosters.

This is a franchise built on patience and principal.

Take Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin as an example.

At 36, he became the youngest coach in NFL history to win a Super Bowl.

It should be noted that Tomlin is only the third coach the Rooneys

have hired in 40 years. Remember when the Orlando Magic once had

three coaches in the same calendar year?

Proof positive that if you can’t appreciate the Steelers, you are

simply un-American.

Friday, February 13, 2009

I still got it!!

You know, no matter how strong of a relationship you're in, at some point you have to wonder, do I still have "it". To tell you the truth, it's been so long I don't really know what "it" is anymore. I have a feeling it harkens back to a time when I could lie in bed and immediately jump out when I felt like it and not stay there and plot which limb to move first that doesn't make my back hurt. That's not age, it's our mattress, Sealy's Torture-Master 2000.

No really, what about the girls I was attracted to in high school. Do they still remember me, have they even thought of me once in the years since I last saw them, and do their hastily arranged "orders of protection" still hold? There are a few websites I went to out of curiosity, and that weren't blocked by Net Nanny, that allow people to reconnect and constantly beat you over the head with "Guess who's searching for you now!". One of them is and the other is

With you pretty much get a Xerox image of the dorks, dweebs, and overall pinheads you had no interest in while going to school and now see that YOU are amoung that group now who's actually inputted your name in their crummy site. "Hey! Look it's...ah...FAT kid...and....Math Geek...I wonder what THEY're doing now?".

The other is and they torment you with "Guess who's looking for you now...wink wink, nudge nudge?". I got time, I check. You'll see that if I decide to fork over the money to join this Ponzi scheme for social retards, I get to meet up with the people who've searched for me! One of them, lucky lucky me, is a SIXTY FIVE YEAR OLD woman from Bangor Pennsylvania. Bangor? No thanks. "Bah dum boom PEEESH!!".

Monday, February 2, 2009

Next, I need to ride in a helicopter

I always wanted to ride in a limo. Wait, let me clarify, I always wanted to ride in a limo sitting up and not in a casket, which is how I thought i'd eventually end up in one. But on a sales trip for work I had a limo ride too and from the resort they put me up in. Pretty sweet.

Yesterday, I scratched something ELSE off my list. I got to ride in an ambulance. This one, I could have done without.

It all started with a pretty normal saturday. I had a bunch of errands to run and I finished off with a trip to the grocery store. When I got home, I started to watch TV. I started to feel a little nauscious and I ended up with a few ugly trips to the bathroom. I had a couple episodes of the squirts.

When I went to lay down for the night, I had trouble slowing my breathing down. I decided to go sit in the living room for a while and watch TV just in case I had to make any more bathroom runs (hehehe...runs...get it?). The more I sat the worse I felt. My breathing would not slow down. I had numbness down both my arms and they were both tingling. My body, if felt like, would not rest. It was in alarm.

I started to moan which brought my wife out to see me. She asked me over and over again if there was anything she could do to help me. As much as I appreciated her, I couldn't give her any ideas. I started to feel even worse. I knew something was up. So she ended up calling my sister, who is a nurse, to come over in case we needed to head to the hospital.

After my sister was called, I knew I did need to go and my wife ended up calling 911. The first to arrive was the police. A policeman came in and asked me a few questions. I was terrified. I felt like my body was shutting down and I had no idea why. He instructed me to calm down or I was going to pass out. Truth be told, I would have preffered that. At least then I could get some rest.

The paramedics showed up and put all manner of gadget on me to monitor my breathing and heart. They tried repeately to assist me in slowing my breathing down. No luck. Finally they decided to just take me to the E.R. They told me they could take me out but the steps and driveway were very icey. I told them the guy who takes care of that sucks. That guy being me of course. So they helped me walk out to the ambulance.

I got strapped in and off we went to the E.R. Still couldn't breath normally though. I thought it was food poisoning but the medic thought it was a wicked stomach flu going around. She asked me if I feld nauscious and that was good timing because almost as soon as she gave me a plastic bucket I hurled into it very very violently. I thought my lungs were coming out.

After that I started to feel better but then she told me that it probably would return. Which it did, in the E.R. By the time I got to the E.R. I was just exhausted. No sleep, and my body was just a wreck. I couldn't get back to normal breathing and on top of this, I had to answer bullshit questions for a secretary asking me questions. I wanted to scream "You know what, my wife is out there....get my social from HER!".

They ended up putting me on some sort of nausea medication through an IV and finally I was able to close my eyes for a bit. If this was a flu, I might just have to change my policy of never getting a flu shot. I didn't want this ever again.

About 4:30 in the morninig I felt good enough to leave and they gave me a few prescriptions for nausea and the mother of all anti-diahrrea medicines too, Nopoopatall, i think it was called.

So Sunday, a day I had planned to make chicken wings, eat my wife's fabulous meatballs and just pig out while watching my Pittsburgh Steelers win their 6th Super Bowl, I ended up spending most of the day in bed with the chills. With the team they have, maybe I'll be lucky enough to see that again, healthy this time.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


I have weird dreams. But I don't sit around like some people do and analyze my dreams. Like when I dream of flashing lights, loud noises, and people screaming, i refuse to submit to any form of dream interpretation. I DO, however, beleive it is not a good idea to fall asleep while driving.