Monday, January 9, 2012

It's my what???

Who gives a rats ass.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Need new glasses

Took my little girl to one of the TWO FRIGGIN REHEARSALS for her recital yesterday morning and as she's leaving the stage she's handed a sheet that shows the classes for the upcoming year.

Looking over it I read "Jazz dancing....tap....ballet....Zumba....guitar lessons....wait,...Adult Marital Arts??? WHAT THE......!!!"

Are they insane? Marital Arts>??? Really! When the kids leave is that just a big giant brothel in there? So I underline it and write "WTF!!!!" next to it and leave it for my wife to get a laugh. Now i'm SURE I don't want us going to this place again.

Later that night she's looking at it and i'm SHOCKED she's not as blown away as I am. I'm like "LOOK!! Marital arts!! What the fuck is that???"

She proceeds to roll with laughter and nearly falls off her chair. For the class I read as "Marital Arts" was indeed.....i'm sure you know by now....."Martial Arts".

As Gilda Radner's character Emily Latella would have said "Oh....never mind".

Saturday, June 4, 2011

3 Wishes

I've been to Kennywood quite a few times and at least once a year with my daughter Meghan. In all those years I never knew that Kennywood had a wishing well.

So on our way out, Meghan decided she wanted to make a wish or two so I gave her a few pennies.

As she tossed the first one in she broke her promise to keep the wish secret. She said "I wished my Mommy would be with me always". Awe, how nice.

So, she has a penny left and I'm waiting for me to get the same wish. So she tosses it in and I say "Meghan, what did you wish for?".

She turns to me and says "A unicorn!".

WHAT?!?!? No no no....I gave her more change. I could just feel the Karma coming down on me. No no, she HAS to wish the same for me.

"Come on Meggie....wish the same for Daddy too". She took the dime (I upped it from a penny) and tosssed it into the well and said "I wish my Daddy.....". "Yeah yeah....go on". "I wish my Daddy had a unicorn!".

Next time she wants a toy, I'm telling her to ask her unicorn.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

If they make themselves available....they're asking for it

Right now as I sit here I am nervous about our future. Even more so with Spendy McHealthcare in the White House. Because you have a large mountain of nutjobs out there who, rather than help you or me out, just want to show Obama they have a bigger dick than him. Face it, that's reality. So come Tuesday, we're gonna usher in one hum-dinger of a pissing contest and you and me are the ones that are gonna get wet.

ANYWHO...the commercials were getting just downright mean and nasty but the phone calls really pissed me off. I started to think, do these nitwits know I hung up on them? Is there a way they can tell that I cut them off right after I heard the sales pitch start?

THERE IS!! And thank YOU Google for again helping me find the answer. And thanks to this nudniks for helping me out by providing the online chat function. SO really, it's their fault (not mine) that I had to be a dick. Observe what happens when I ask the rep if they can show if a message was heard in it's entirety or if someone (me) hung up.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

What aisle are the chains in......

"Miracle Whip...Miracle Whip...". I repeated this to myself over and over again as I had the most MONUMENTAL of brain farts. Where is it in the store? See, I don't use it so there's no familiarity there but I have heard of it and seen it, .....where? My wife asked me to pick it up. As I strolled down the dairy aisle I see several "whips". I see Ready Whip and Cool an ordered and well meaning society, shouldn't ALL the "whips" be together?

"Okay I give up, where is it?" I ask my wife on the cell phone. "In the condiment aisle...near the dressings". Sure enough, there it was.

When I become President, I pledge a uniform and orderly grocery store with aisles like "round things" and "stuff you eat when there's nothing around to make a sandwich with" and "stuff I eat when there's a game on" and the ever popular "frozen crap that's NOT ice cream". Finally, a grocery store with not a HINT of a man on a cell phone begging for help from his wife.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Is it just me

Am I the only one grossed out by the Jimmy Johnson Extenze ads? The one where the girl goes "Jimmy, do you really use it?". "Yes, I really do!".

If I was there I'd have both fingers in my ears going "Grandpa!! Shut up!!! La la la la la....i'm not LISTENING!".

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Greg Geraldo

Brilliant comic (he was a Harvard educated attorney at one point) and tremendously funny guy. Gone at the too young age of 44. Watch this clip.

Has this ever worked?!

I did telemarketing for TWO days, and one of those days was training. I wanted to make extra money in the evening. Actually that's a lie. I told myself I wanted to make extra money, what I really wanted was a job I could have and tell them to fuck off at the drop of a hat. "Whaddya mean I'm five minutes late! I don't have to take this abuse...I quit!".

But while I was there I got to experience what it's like to beg someone to listen to you. Someone who had better things to do than listen to my schpiel for them to sign up for my credit card. I thought that was the bottom rung of the job ladder. I was wrong.

I think below telemarketers has to be the guys calling begging for money. And it's always the same, pleasant hello, passionate plea, lots of your neighbors are doing it...then hit you for money. And that's my FAVORITE part. They tell you what other suckers have given in the hopes that they can guilt YOU into giving the same amount. "Most of the people in your neighborhood have given $100, could we put you down for that?". Hey, I'm patient with them. I sympathize....but this latest one was my new all time favorite.

I got a call from Planned Parenthood. Poltics aside, I have no problem with an organization that helps kids with no place to turn to. But their pitch was priceless. "Sir as you know these are tough times and we receive no government funding and we want to keep our doors open, would you be willing to give $150.00?".

Yeah, ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY amount I haven't given in one donation to cancer, muscular distrophy,....that guy I owed $150 too, NOBODY! And this guy wanted me to fork over that kind of cabage to him? "$150?!?" I said "I'd abort somebody mySELF before I'd give you clowns $150!".

I do something for people in that crummy job donations can't do. I ground them....and remind them that most things just plain suck and the best you can do laugh.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Who'll be in the benefit concert?

Usually the thing that wakes me up is one of my seemingly never ending trips to the bathroom at night. For I, have the bladder control of a septuagenarian. I tend to not sleep as much as I nap between pit stops.

So imagine my surprise when I awoke to an itch, a bizarre and strange itch on both of my hands. I immediately start rubbing both hands together in a manner that a Boy Scout might use to start a fire with two sticks. This is how it all started.

What followed was weeks of a skin irritation I chalked up to new soap. Nothing to be concerned about. That was until I started to get what looked to be acne..........on my fingers. Apparently a little later than usual my fingers JUST now were going through their awkward teen years. They'll never get a date for the prom now.

My wife convinces me it's okay to go to one of those drug store clinics and I do. There's a special magic you feel waiting to see a medical professional 5 feet away from a rack of Depends undergarments and looking up the shaving cream aisle. So the nurse on duty suggests it's just an irritation from a plant, poison oak or something which up until then I had assumed (and been told) I was resistant too. I had never had a poison ivy breakout. Poison Ivy?!? Pffft! I put that shit in my salad!

Off I go then to use the cream they prescribed. Only problem is, it never goes away. NOW I go see the REAL doctors, the one that you don't go down aisle 5 to see. It takes this guy 2 seconds to say "Eczema" and then I'm done and on a medication that seems to be working.

What I find out later on the internet shocks me though. This isn't just something I caught once and it will fade away in my memory years later.......this, is a disease.

That's right I said it, eczema is a full blown, chronic, never getting rid of it disease. It's like having a venereal disease without the benefits of all the sex. There's a foundation ( and they take donations and all that crap that you'd see for a full blown....well, disease!

THIS just might be the cause i've been looking for. It's time for me to get active, to get involved. I'll organize fund raisers...yeah! I'll become THE face of this pain in the ass affliction. I can just see the TV commercials now "Hi, I'm Ray....if you're one of the millions affected by this illness I want you to know you're not alone. Look at little Timmy here, so itchy....won't you please help him?". Now I just need to convince Bono to write a song for it and i'm set!!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Crowds suck

So okay, the title is about a 3 on a 1 to 10 scale of creativity. I wanted to write about this past weekends trip to the Columbus Zoo and the IMMENSE crowds I experienced. I guess I could have gone the "crowd-zilla" route, but trust me, this was a nightmare for someone who likes to leave concerts during the encore to beat the traffic.

Why the Columbus Zoo Ray? Well, voice in my head it's really quite simple. It's far away but not TOO far away that I want to take an ice pick to my temple by the time hour five rolls around on the drive too it. AND, just so happens to be an awesome zoo, rated number one on this list.

We got there around noon due to the nearly FOUR HOUR long drive. So you think by twelve'ish, the lines to get in wouldn't be that long, I mean, it OPENED at nine? WRONG! We got in line at like ten to twelve and I looked behind me to see what appeared to be a Steeler game letting out coming right for us. "Are you KIDDING me?". The name of the game for the next trip....NO TRIPS ON A HOLIDAY!

People loose their effing (that's right, I said effing) minds when kids are concerned. By that I mean, nobody would intentionally elbow you or kick you in the side normally, but with a kid in tow all common decency gets tossed right out the window. "Yeah, I elbowed you in the back, sorry, trying to maneuver my kid here". This happened everywhere and the kicker was, going to eat. We HAD to get something to eat. You can't just let a 4-year old go hours without food. Every friggin line was PACKED. I waited in a line (not 10 people deep) a good 45 minutes for two cheeseburgers and some chicken tenders. I think i'm gonna cry the day my daughter says "PLEASE Dad,....if I even LOOK at another chicken tender, I'm gonna be sick!". "I don't think I've ever loved you this much honey.....GIVE DADDY A HUG!".

The best part about this is, we spent this morning in the hotel pool and just like every other trip we've taken if you ask my little girl what was her favorite part.....the food daddy waited patiently for 45 minutes for......the 10% of the zoo we saw due to crowds.......I know darn well it would be, the pool. Oh, that and the dogs jumping into the pool competition (dock dogs) we just happened to see at Cabella's on the way home. You know.....the FREE stuff.

Check this out though. I got AMAZING video from this exhibit.