Friday, March 13, 2009
Let the games begin.....and end quickly for me....
Hooray!!! Both my wife's alma mater (Pitt) and mine (Robert Morris) are in the NCAA tournement. For my school, it's been years since they seen the tournement. I'm thinking I have to place an intra-marraige wager with my significant other. How quickly, will MY school get their ass handed to them. WE SHALL SEE!!!!
Monday, March 2, 2009
Mattress Shopping
When we got the crib for our baby I can remember looking at dozens of them and ultimately we settled for the one that had the most functionality. Because of it's adjustability, this one would convert from a crib to a day bed to an adult bed with the addition of bed rails. About a year ago we converted it from a crib into a day bed and that's what she's been sleeping in and to tell you the truth, it's never seemed to be right for her.
I mean, what "is" a day bed. It brings to mind conversations of "Oh sure Cousin Ethel, you can stay with us. We'll fix up the "day bed" for you. Or "Honey, that bum is down on his luck, SURELY we can put him up in our "day bed". For my money, if it's not a bed, it's lumped in with hammocks, sleeping bags, and the dreaded futon.
So we went shopping for her "big girl" bed on Saturday. As soon as we set foot in the store we are met with an overy made-up woman, late 50's, who practically ignores me. She wanted to talk to the decision maker....which of course......isn't me. We take a short trip up the escalator and here's where she got creepy. Keep in mind.......we JUST met this lady not 45 seconds ago. "Yes, they do grow up quick don't they. I think it's eaiser with girls. I mean don't get me wrong, you have to worry about both of them...with my boys I just would yell......wear a raincoat.....wear a raincoat!". So I wait.....five, four, three, two....what?! No look?! I was SO waiting for my wife to turn around and look at me so we could share a couple's "What the FUCK?!" momemnt. But I had to pretty much put a cap on it for her and affirm that yes,...she did hear what she thought she heard.
For my money, this is a definate A+ sales pitch. Why I remember when we bought our last SUV. The first thing the salesperson did was open the hatch and go "Look at that space, why,...you could easily nail a stewardess there and still have enough room for the Cuban boy who sold you both ecstasy to videotape it for you!". Sold!
Flash foward to the display floor and we are left to look by ourselves without the help of Dr. Ruth. I sense my little girl growing disinterested fast so I take her to this big wooden ship thing they have for kids to climb on. Everything goes great for a while, she's having fun, I'm having fun watching her.....she's clutching a used drinking straw....I'm having...WHAT THE SHIT?!?! PUT THAT DOWN!!! It was getting so a furniture store couldn't hold a three year old's interest. I mean come on!!!
My wife, the decision maker, comes back and we're set to go. Next stop! The department store where we can buy the video we promised her for going pottie!! This is the circle of life. When you're young, this is celebrated. When you're old like me, this is met with a can of Lysol in the face. Hey, sue me,...I like Mexican.
I mean, what "is" a day bed. It brings to mind conversations of "Oh sure Cousin Ethel, you can stay with us. We'll fix up the "day bed" for you. Or "Honey, that bum is down on his luck, SURELY we can put him up in our "day bed". For my money, if it's not a bed, it's lumped in with hammocks, sleeping bags, and the dreaded futon.
So we went shopping for her "big girl" bed on Saturday. As soon as we set foot in the store we are met with an overy made-up woman, late 50's, who practically ignores me. She wanted to talk to the decision maker....which of course......isn't me. We take a short trip up the escalator and here's where she got creepy. Keep in mind.......we JUST met this lady not 45 seconds ago. "Yes, they do grow up quick don't they. I think it's eaiser with girls. I mean don't get me wrong, you have to worry about both of them...with my boys I just would yell......wear a raincoat.....wear a raincoat!". So I wait.....five, four, three, two....what?! No look?! I was SO waiting for my wife to turn around and look at me so we could share a couple's "What the FUCK?!" momemnt. But I had to pretty much put a cap on it for her and affirm that yes,...she did hear what she thought she heard.
For my money, this is a definate A+ sales pitch. Why I remember when we bought our last SUV. The first thing the salesperson did was open the hatch and go "Look at that space, why,...you could easily nail a stewardess there and still have enough room for the Cuban boy who sold you both ecstasy to videotape it for you!". Sold!
Flash foward to the display floor and we are left to look by ourselves without the help of Dr. Ruth. I sense my little girl growing disinterested fast so I take her to this big wooden ship thing they have for kids to climb on. Everything goes great for a while, she's having fun, I'm having fun watching her.....she's clutching a used drinking straw....I'm having...WHAT THE SHIT?!?! PUT THAT DOWN!!! It was getting so a furniture store couldn't hold a three year old's interest. I mean come on!!!
My wife, the decision maker, comes back and we're set to go. Next stop! The department store where we can buy the video we promised her for going pottie!! This is the circle of life. When you're young, this is celebrated. When you're old like me, this is met with a can of Lysol in the face. Hey, sue me,...I like Mexican.
Monday, February 23, 2009
An Upcoming Milestone
I write this at what I hope to be the absolute low point of the negotiations as to what me and my wife hope to do for our fifteen year anniversary. It's gone from a lost weekend in Vegas to lunch. Rax I suggested? This got me banished downstairs and onto the computer.
That's right, fifteen years! You,.. the kid who stumbled upon this blog after looking for the latest on Hannah Montanna (15 years ago that mention was Debbie Gibson), YOU weren't even around then.
Let me be clear, I forget dates very easily. My wife bought me a datebook once to keep track of important events - I lost it. Oh how I wished I was there as some stranger picked it up hoping to see the secret life of a Wall Street power broker or a busy doctor only to see entries like "Tuesday - tape Bugs Bunny marathon, buy Zingers at the store".
But this date had my attention for a while. I can remember aspiring to a trip to Europe for our 10th. Surely, I thought at the time, only a total LOON wouldn't be able to save up for that milestone with the time I gave us? Well, call me Mr. Loon. But fifteen years gave me pause for reflection. We had to do something special.
I initially wanted a visit to Vegas. Our last trip to Vegas was sort of a family outing. My wife was pregnant with our three year old at the time. We had found out only weeks before. We would have won at one of the tables but the baby kicked and ruined my pefect pair of 6's. Not buying it? Well, neither did the pit boss. What a time, she was eating for two and I was doing my part and drinking for two. Ah memories. No really.....I'm sad about that, I have no memories. GOD I was toasted. But I digress.
The issue is, what do we do with our daughter. Our daughter means the world to us but I want one night where we can just be us again. So it's gone from Vegas, to a weekend at a nice hotel, to now dinner. I had to stress dinner to my wife. We both have off that day and she suggested a nice lunch. Lunch? So fifteen years and it's "hoagies for two?!". No way, it will be nice and memorable or my name isn't,...isn't...wait..you know I really should get into a program. I haven't a clue what my name is, or that talking rabbit next to me either.
The bottom line is I want it to be special because for some reason unbeknownst to me, the man upstairs decided to do one giant thing right for me and pointed me towards someone who would become my best friend and the mother of my little 3-year old angel who is my light and never ending joy. Fifteen years isn't much when you think of our parents, but you can't swing a dead cat today without finding someone who's been through a divorce. Oh and by the way, beating someone with a dead cat at least in this state is DEFINITE grounds for divorce. Anybody can have a wife, I have a partner and a friend. And on top of that, a friend who'll look the other way as I steal a $20 from her purse. Ah, amour!
That's right, fifteen years! You,.. the kid who stumbled upon this blog after looking for the latest on Hannah Montanna (15 years ago that mention was Debbie Gibson), YOU weren't even around then.
Let me be clear, I forget dates very easily. My wife bought me a datebook once to keep track of important events - I lost it. Oh how I wished I was there as some stranger picked it up hoping to see the secret life of a Wall Street power broker or a busy doctor only to see entries like "Tuesday - tape Bugs Bunny marathon, buy Zingers at the store".
But this date had my attention for a while. I can remember aspiring to a trip to Europe for our 10th. Surely, I thought at the time, only a total LOON wouldn't be able to save up for that milestone with the time I gave us? Well, call me Mr. Loon. But fifteen years gave me pause for reflection. We had to do something special.
I initially wanted a visit to Vegas. Our last trip to Vegas was sort of a family outing. My wife was pregnant with our three year old at the time. We had found out only weeks before. We would have won at one of the tables but the baby kicked and ruined my pefect pair of 6's. Not buying it? Well, neither did the pit boss. What a time, she was eating for two and I was doing my part and drinking for two. Ah memories. No really.....I'm sad about that, I have no memories. GOD I was toasted. But I digress.
The issue is, what do we do with our daughter. Our daughter means the world to us but I want one night where we can just be us again. So it's gone from Vegas, to a weekend at a nice hotel, to now dinner. I had to stress dinner to my wife. We both have off that day and she suggested a nice lunch. Lunch? So fifteen years and it's "hoagies for two?!". No way, it will be nice and memorable or my name isn't,...isn't...wait..you know I really should get into a program. I haven't a clue what my name is, or that talking rabbit next to me either.
The bottom line is I want it to be special because for some reason unbeknownst to me, the man upstairs decided to do one giant thing right for me and pointed me towards someone who would become my best friend and the mother of my little 3-year old angel who is my light and never ending joy. Fifteen years isn't much when you think of our parents, but you can't swing a dead cat today without finding someone who's been through a divorce. Oh and by the way, beating someone with a dead cat at least in this state is DEFINITE grounds for divorce. Anybody can have a wife, I have a partner and a friend. And on top of that, a friend who'll look the other way as I steal a $20 from her purse. Ah, amour!
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Well said..........
I happened to be looking at a Cleveland Browns blog online and right after the Steelers won their sixth Super Bowl they were just beside themselves with hate. Over and over, the theme was, our greatest crime being Steeler fans was our pride. How dare we be proud of this great city and the wonderful people who inhabit it. Sorry Cleveland and haters everywhere, you're just going to have to get used to it. I hope I don't get into trouble, but this is from an Orlando (NOT Pittsburgh) newspaper.
Mike Bianchi, Orlando Sentinel
TAMPA, Fla.
One of the heroes of the game nearly became a bus driver.
The owner of the team walks to work every day.
The fans of the team drink Iron City beer, wave dish towels and
ignored the slumping economy to make their pigskin pilgrimage and
turn the Super Bowl into a Sunshine State version of the Steel City.
This is why we should all be glad that Pittsburgh is now the home of
more Super Bowl championships than any franchise in the history of
pro football: Because the players are hungry, the owner is humble and
the fans are loyal.What more could you want out of the NFL’s
champion of champions?
And what more could you want from a Super Bowl?
From Jennifer Hudson’s remarkable rendition of the national anthem
Sunday to the Boss bringing down the house at halftime to Santonio
Holmes making one of the greatest catches in NFL history for the
winning touchdown with 35 seconds left, this will go down as a Super
Bowl for the ages.
The Steelers, by virtue of their unbelievable, inconceivable 27-23
defeat of the Arizona Cardinals, have now won a record sixth Super
Bowl and their second in four years.They are small-market team that doesn’t
pay big-time salaries and yet they continue to win ... and win ... and win.
In these trying economic times, how can you not feel good that it’s the
Steelers who have become the model franchise in all of professional sports.
Some other of the NFL’s other dynastic franchises have come and gone,
but the Steelers just keep coming.
The Green Bay Packers? They haven’t won a Super Bowl in more than a
decade. The San Francisco 49ers? They haven’t had a winning season in
six years and haven’t been to a Super Bowl in 15.
The Dallas Cowboys? They make headlines because their quarterback
dates Jessica Simpson and their wide receiver is a team cancer, but
they haven’t won a playoff game in a dozen years. In contrast,
Pittsburgh’s quarterback Ben Roethlisberger is the youngest
quarterback (26) to ever win two Super Bowls, and the only
controversy star wide receiver Hines Ward has been involved in is
that opposing defenses complain that he plays too physical.
The Steelers are the New York Yankees of the NFL — without the
arrogance and the payroll. George Steinbrenner buys championships;
the Rooney family builds them.Every one of Pittsburgh’s star players —
Roethlisberger, Troy Polamalu, Willie Parker, Hines Ward and
James Harrison — were either drafted by the team or discovered off the street.
Harrison, with his spectacular 100-yard interception return at the
end of the first half, made one the greatest plays in Super Bowl history.
He was undrafted out of college, signed as a rookie free agent by the
Steelers in 2002 and nearly quit football during his struggling early
years to become a Greyhound bus driver.
This is why the Steelers should be celebrated. They win without the
knuckleheads that dot so many professional rosters.
This is a franchise built on patience and principal.
Take Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin as an example.
At 36, he became the youngest coach in NFL history to win a Super Bowl.
It should be noted that Tomlin is only the third coach the Rooneys
have hired in 40 years. Remember when the Orlando Magic once had
three coaches in the same calendar year?
Proof positive that if you can’t appreciate the Steelers, you are
simply un-American.
Mike Bianchi, Orlando Sentinel
TAMPA, Fla.
One of the heroes of the game nearly became a bus driver.
The owner of the team walks to work every day.
The fans of the team drink Iron City beer, wave dish towels and
ignored the slumping economy to make their pigskin pilgrimage and
turn the Super Bowl into a Sunshine State version of the Steel City.
This is why we should all be glad that Pittsburgh is now the home of
more Super Bowl championships than any franchise in the history of
pro football: Because the players are hungry, the owner is humble and
the fans are loyal.What more could you want out of the NFL’s
champion of champions?
And what more could you want from a Super Bowl?
From Jennifer Hudson’s remarkable rendition of the national anthem
Sunday to the Boss bringing down the house at halftime to Santonio
Holmes making one of the greatest catches in NFL history for the
winning touchdown with 35 seconds left, this will go down as a Super
Bowl for the ages.
The Steelers, by virtue of their unbelievable, inconceivable 27-23
defeat of the Arizona Cardinals, have now won a record sixth Super
Bowl and their second in four years.They are small-market team that doesn’t
pay big-time salaries and yet they continue to win ... and win ... and win.
In these trying economic times, how can you not feel good that it’s the
Steelers who have become the model franchise in all of professional sports.
Some other of the NFL’s other dynastic franchises have come and gone,
but the Steelers just keep coming.
The Green Bay Packers? They haven’t won a Super Bowl in more than a
decade. The San Francisco 49ers? They haven’t had a winning season in
six years and haven’t been to a Super Bowl in 15.
The Dallas Cowboys? They make headlines because their quarterback
dates Jessica Simpson and their wide receiver is a team cancer, but
they haven’t won a playoff game in a dozen years. In contrast,
Pittsburgh’s quarterback Ben Roethlisberger is the youngest
quarterback (26) to ever win two Super Bowls, and the only
controversy star wide receiver Hines Ward has been involved in is
that opposing defenses complain that he plays too physical.
The Steelers are the New York Yankees of the NFL — without the
arrogance and the payroll. George Steinbrenner buys championships;
the Rooney family builds them.Every one of Pittsburgh’s star players —
Roethlisberger, Troy Polamalu, Willie Parker, Hines Ward and
James Harrison — were either drafted by the team or discovered off the street.
Harrison, with his spectacular 100-yard interception return at the
end of the first half, made one the greatest plays in Super Bowl history.
He was undrafted out of college, signed as a rookie free agent by the
Steelers in 2002 and nearly quit football during his struggling early
years to become a Greyhound bus driver.
This is why the Steelers should be celebrated. They win without the
knuckleheads that dot so many professional rosters.
This is a franchise built on patience and principal.
Take Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin as an example.
At 36, he became the youngest coach in NFL history to win a Super Bowl.
It should be noted that Tomlin is only the third coach the Rooneys
have hired in 40 years. Remember when the Orlando Magic once had
three coaches in the same calendar year?
Proof positive that if you can’t appreciate the Steelers, you are
simply un-American.
Friday, February 13, 2009
I still got it!!
You know, no matter how strong of a relationship you're in, at some point you have to wonder, do I still have "it". To tell you the truth, it's been so long I don't really know what "it" is anymore. I have a feeling it harkens back to a time when I could lie in bed and immediately jump out when I felt like it and not stay there and plot which limb to move first that doesn't make my back hurt. That's not age, it's our mattress, Sealy's Torture-Master 2000.
No really, what about the girls I was attracted to in high school. Do they still remember me, have they even thought of me once in the years since I last saw them, and do their hastily arranged "orders of protection" still hold? There are a few websites I went to out of curiosity, and that weren't blocked by Net Nanny, that allow people to reconnect and constantly beat you over the head with "Guess who's searching for you now!". One of them is Classmates.com and the other is Reunion.com.
With Classmates.com you pretty much get a Xerox image of the dorks, dweebs, and overall pinheads you had no interest in while going to school and now see that YOU are amoung that group now who's actually inputted your name in their crummy site. "Hey! Look it's...ah...FAT kid...and....Math Geek...I wonder what THEY're doing now?".
The other is Reunion.com and they torment you with "Guess who's looking for you now...wink wink, nudge nudge?". I got time, I check. You'll see that if I decide to fork over the money to join this Ponzi scheme for social retards, I get to meet up with the people who've searched for me! One of them, lucky lucky me, is a SIXTY FIVE YEAR OLD woman from Bangor Pennsylvania. Bangor? No thanks. "Bah dum boom PEEESH!!".
No really, what about the girls I was attracted to in high school. Do they still remember me, have they even thought of me once in the years since I last saw them, and do their hastily arranged "orders of protection" still hold? There are a few websites I went to out of curiosity, and that weren't blocked by Net Nanny, that allow people to reconnect and constantly beat you over the head with "Guess who's searching for you now!". One of them is Classmates.com and the other is Reunion.com.
With Classmates.com you pretty much get a Xerox image of the dorks, dweebs, and overall pinheads you had no interest in while going to school and now see that YOU are amoung that group now who's actually inputted your name in their crummy site. "Hey! Look it's...ah...FAT kid...and....Math Geek...I wonder what THEY're doing now?".
The other is Reunion.com and they torment you with "Guess who's looking for you now...wink wink, nudge nudge?". I got time, I check. You'll see that if I decide to fork over the money to join this Ponzi scheme for social retards, I get to meet up with the people who've searched for me! One of them, lucky lucky me, is a SIXTY FIVE YEAR OLD woman from Bangor Pennsylvania. Bangor? No thanks. "Bah dum boom PEEESH!!".
Monday, February 2, 2009
Next, I need to ride in a helicopter
I always wanted to ride in a limo. Wait, let me clarify, I always wanted to ride in a limo sitting up and not in a casket, which is how I thought i'd eventually end up in one. But on a sales trip for work I had a limo ride too and from the resort they put me up in. Pretty sweet.
Yesterday, I scratched something ELSE off my list. I got to ride in an ambulance. This one, I could have done without.
It all started with a pretty normal saturday. I had a bunch of errands to run and I finished off with a trip to the grocery store. When I got home, I started to watch TV. I started to feel a little nauscious and I ended up with a few ugly trips to the bathroom. I had a couple episodes of the squirts.
When I went to lay down for the night, I had trouble slowing my breathing down. I decided to go sit in the living room for a while and watch TV just in case I had to make any more bathroom runs (hehehe...runs...get it?). The more I sat the worse I felt. My breathing would not slow down. I had numbness down both my arms and they were both tingling. My body, if felt like, would not rest. It was in alarm.
I started to moan which brought my wife out to see me. She asked me over and over again if there was anything she could do to help me. As much as I appreciated her, I couldn't give her any ideas. I started to feel even worse. I knew something was up. So she ended up calling my sister, who is a nurse, to come over in case we needed to head to the hospital.
After my sister was called, I knew I did need to go and my wife ended up calling 911. The first to arrive was the police. A policeman came in and asked me a few questions. I was terrified. I felt like my body was shutting down and I had no idea why. He instructed me to calm down or I was going to pass out. Truth be told, I would have preffered that. At least then I could get some rest.
The paramedics showed up and put all manner of gadget on me to monitor my breathing and heart. They tried repeately to assist me in slowing my breathing down. No luck. Finally they decided to just take me to the E.R. They told me they could take me out but the steps and driveway were very icey. I told them the guy who takes care of that sucks. That guy being me of course. So they helped me walk out to the ambulance.
I got strapped in and off we went to the E.R. Still couldn't breath normally though. I thought it was food poisoning but the medic thought it was a wicked stomach flu going around. She asked me if I feld nauscious and that was good timing because almost as soon as she gave me a plastic bucket I hurled into it very very violently. I thought my lungs were coming out.
After that I started to feel better but then she told me that it probably would return. Which it did, in the E.R. By the time I got to the E.R. I was just exhausted. No sleep, and my body was just a wreck. I couldn't get back to normal breathing and on top of this, I had to answer bullshit questions for a secretary asking me questions. I wanted to scream "You know what, my wife is out there....get my social from HER!".
They ended up putting me on some sort of nausea medication through an IV and finally I was able to close my eyes for a bit. If this was a flu, I might just have to change my policy of never getting a flu shot. I didn't want this ever again.
About 4:30 in the morninig I felt good enough to leave and they gave me a few prescriptions for nausea and the mother of all anti-diahrrea medicines too, Nopoopatall, i think it was called.
So Sunday, a day I had planned to make chicken wings, eat my wife's fabulous meatballs and just pig out while watching my Pittsburgh Steelers win their 6th Super Bowl, I ended up spending most of the day in bed with the chills. With the team they have, maybe I'll be lucky enough to see that again, healthy this time.
Yesterday, I scratched something ELSE off my list. I got to ride in an ambulance. This one, I could have done without.
It all started with a pretty normal saturday. I had a bunch of errands to run and I finished off with a trip to the grocery store. When I got home, I started to watch TV. I started to feel a little nauscious and I ended up with a few ugly trips to the bathroom. I had a couple episodes of the squirts.
When I went to lay down for the night, I had trouble slowing my breathing down. I decided to go sit in the living room for a while and watch TV just in case I had to make any more bathroom runs (hehehe...runs...get it?). The more I sat the worse I felt. My breathing would not slow down. I had numbness down both my arms and they were both tingling. My body, if felt like, would not rest. It was in alarm.
I started to moan which brought my wife out to see me. She asked me over and over again if there was anything she could do to help me. As much as I appreciated her, I couldn't give her any ideas. I started to feel even worse. I knew something was up. So she ended up calling my sister, who is a nurse, to come over in case we needed to head to the hospital.
After my sister was called, I knew I did need to go and my wife ended up calling 911. The first to arrive was the police. A policeman came in and asked me a few questions. I was terrified. I felt like my body was shutting down and I had no idea why. He instructed me to calm down or I was going to pass out. Truth be told, I would have preffered that. At least then I could get some rest.
The paramedics showed up and put all manner of gadget on me to monitor my breathing and heart. They tried repeately to assist me in slowing my breathing down. No luck. Finally they decided to just take me to the E.R. They told me they could take me out but the steps and driveway were very icey. I told them the guy who takes care of that sucks. That guy being me of course. So they helped me walk out to the ambulance.
I got strapped in and off we went to the E.R. Still couldn't breath normally though. I thought it was food poisoning but the medic thought it was a wicked stomach flu going around. She asked me if I feld nauscious and that was good timing because almost as soon as she gave me a plastic bucket I hurled into it very very violently. I thought my lungs were coming out.
After that I started to feel better but then she told me that it probably would return. Which it did, in the E.R. By the time I got to the E.R. I was just exhausted. No sleep, and my body was just a wreck. I couldn't get back to normal breathing and on top of this, I had to answer bullshit questions for a secretary asking me questions. I wanted to scream "You know what, my wife is out there....get my social from HER!".
They ended up putting me on some sort of nausea medication through an IV and finally I was able to close my eyes for a bit. If this was a flu, I might just have to change my policy of never getting a flu shot. I didn't want this ever again.
About 4:30 in the morninig I felt good enough to leave and they gave me a few prescriptions for nausea and the mother of all anti-diahrrea medicines too, Nopoopatall, i think it was called.
So Sunday, a day I had planned to make chicken wings, eat my wife's fabulous meatballs and just pig out while watching my Pittsburgh Steelers win their 6th Super Bowl, I ended up spending most of the day in bed with the chills. With the team they have, maybe I'll be lucky enough to see that again, healthy this time.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Dreams
I have weird dreams. But I don't sit around like some people do and analyze my dreams. Like when I dream of flashing lights, loud noises, and people screaming, i refuse to submit to any form of dream interpretation. I DO, however, beleive it is not a good idea to fall asleep while driving.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Thoughts on the holidays
I was commenting on my buddy John's BLOG on a post he did for his feelings on the holidays. The longer it went, the more creative I got I thought, why not "re-gift" this for myself and post it right here. I'd recommend reading John's BLOG though. If you like zombies and space shuttles, you're in for a treat. I'm waiting for the space shuttle PILOTED by zombies. Now THERE's a tale. I'm kidding John.
I normally head to John's blog to leave a sarcastic remark, a witty retort, or a casual guffaw. But for this time I came to bring you news of hope. John wanted to know with all the commercialism surrounding Christmas just where Jesus fits in these days. Why he's all over. All you need to is stop, pay attention, and perk up your ears as you hear people say "Jesus, is this line long" or "Jesus, who'd a thought I'd be in line at Best Buy for four hours".
But the news isn't all bad. It's during the holiday season where you do see the good in people as they kindly let you merge in on the highway. Perhaps this is due to their good natured feelings coming from some upcoming days off from work. Rest assured though, they know deep in their hearts that come January 2nd, if you were to try that in front of them....they'll send you and your car straight to hell first before they give you a break. I'm talking to you blue haired old lady who PRETENDS she can't see me. I KNOW YOU CAN SEE ME GRANNY!!!
Me, I got to spend some quality time with my family and got things I really need. Not that Christmas is about what you get. We all know as adults that Christmas is for the kids. I know it, you know it, and several marketing firms on Wall Street looking to sell your kid whatever crap toy they've bought into pumped out of Taiwan by some guy who just two weeks ago was hawking live chickens on a steet corner. He knows it too. I got an interesting assortment of gifts. From one of my sisters I got some jeans, from another a car emergency kit, and from my parents I got a fine bottle of whiskey. This of course means my New Years resolution to be drunk and shirtless on the side of a road waiting for AAA is right on track!
Happy New Year!
I normally head to John's blog to leave a sarcastic remark, a witty retort, or a casual guffaw. But for this time I came to bring you news of hope. John wanted to know with all the commercialism surrounding Christmas just where Jesus fits in these days. Why he's all over. All you need to is stop, pay attention, and perk up your ears as you hear people say "Jesus, is this line long" or "Jesus, who'd a thought I'd be in line at Best Buy for four hours".
But the news isn't all bad. It's during the holiday season where you do see the good in people as they kindly let you merge in on the highway. Perhaps this is due to their good natured feelings coming from some upcoming days off from work. Rest assured though, they know deep in their hearts that come January 2nd, if you were to try that in front of them....they'll send you and your car straight to hell first before they give you a break. I'm talking to you blue haired old lady who PRETENDS she can't see me. I KNOW YOU CAN SEE ME GRANNY!!!
Me, I got to spend some quality time with my family and got things I really need. Not that Christmas is about what you get. We all know as adults that Christmas is for the kids. I know it, you know it, and several marketing firms on Wall Street looking to sell your kid whatever crap toy they've bought into pumped out of Taiwan by some guy who just two weeks ago was hawking live chickens on a steet corner. He knows it too. I got an interesting assortment of gifts. From one of my sisters I got some jeans, from another a car emergency kit, and from my parents I got a fine bottle of whiskey. This of course means my New Years resolution to be drunk and shirtless on the side of a road waiting for AAA is right on track!
Happy New Year!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
The doctor will see you now
Any recurring pain that you can't explain away with excuses like arthritis or the occasional taser attack from that female coworker who thinks you're a bit too "grabby" should most likely be investigated. This is the case with my mysterious "tail bone" pain.
Every once in a while I would get a dull ache about four inches above, how should I say it,...awe who cares, we're all adults here, above my poop hole. It would radiate around the area and actual inhibit my walking for a few minutes. Events like this have been happening a lot and since I had the day off, I thought I'd have it checked out.
The worst part of the whole doctor visit thing for me has to be the waiting room. There are the usual characters. There's soccer kid, still in his uniform accompanied by a parent who will at some point tell him to "SETTLE DOWN!". There's the adorable old couple, the 80'ish folks who look so cute you want to put them on top of a very old and smelly cake. Then there's my all-time favorite, "personal-space" lady. The large woman who scans a room full of empty seats only to put her porky biceps 6" over your arm rest all the while breathing as if she just ran a marathon. When they call my name, I'm overjoyed to be sprung from this Star Wars bar of aches and pains.
So I go in and get usual barrage of questions that I have just ONE big answer for. No. "Smoke?". "No". "On any medications?". "No". "History of werewolfism?". "No,...wait, what?!". "Just seeing if you were paying attention".
So I describe the pain I was feeling to the doctor and the reason I came in was that being over 40, I thought I should be checked out for something. I honestly had no idea where my prostate was. I have no excuse for that, I have internet access, it coulda been easily found out. The doctor assured me it wasn't that because my prostate is located directly up from the old "taint". I apologized for my ignorance and not knowing where my prostate was. She said no problem and that most men don't know, adding that women know more about men's anatomy than they do. Hmmmm...........really? Bah-LONEY! Men know JUST as much if not more about WOMEN's anatomy. There are just some things we, well, just don't listen to. When my wife was told about the side effects of the pill, stroke, heart attack, lowering your expectations of a mate, all I heard was "You are CLEARED for lift off captain!".
So my doctor visit as it turns out WAS for nothing, not if you don't count the requisite weigh-in before the visit. I am grossly overweight and it's my goal now to lose 40lbs in 6 months. I am determined, I CAN do it. As I sit here eating my pizza and sucking down the last of a delicious chocolate shake I am reminded of all the great doers this country has seen. I can do this. No where's my elipitcal machine? AH! There it is, now I need to find another place for these coats.
Every once in a while I would get a dull ache about four inches above, how should I say it,...awe who cares, we're all adults here, above my poop hole. It would radiate around the area and actual inhibit my walking for a few minutes. Events like this have been happening a lot and since I had the day off, I thought I'd have it checked out.
The worst part of the whole doctor visit thing for me has to be the waiting room. There are the usual characters. There's soccer kid, still in his uniform accompanied by a parent who will at some point tell him to "SETTLE DOWN!". There's the adorable old couple, the 80'ish folks who look so cute you want to put them on top of a very old and smelly cake. Then there's my all-time favorite, "personal-space" lady. The large woman who scans a room full of empty seats only to put her porky biceps 6" over your arm rest all the while breathing as if she just ran a marathon. When they call my name, I'm overjoyed to be sprung from this Star Wars bar of aches and pains.
So I go in and get usual barrage of questions that I have just ONE big answer for. No. "Smoke?". "No". "On any medications?". "No". "History of werewolfism?". "No,...wait, what?!". "Just seeing if you were paying attention".
So I describe the pain I was feeling to the doctor and the reason I came in was that being over 40, I thought I should be checked out for something. I honestly had no idea where my prostate was. I have no excuse for that, I have internet access, it coulda been easily found out. The doctor assured me it wasn't that because my prostate is located directly up from the old "taint". I apologized for my ignorance and not knowing where my prostate was. She said no problem and that most men don't know, adding that women know more about men's anatomy than they do. Hmmmm...........really? Bah-LONEY! Men know JUST as much if not more about WOMEN's anatomy. There are just some things we, well, just don't listen to. When my wife was told about the side effects of the pill, stroke, heart attack, lowering your expectations of a mate, all I heard was "You are CLEARED for lift off captain!".
So my doctor visit as it turns out WAS for nothing, not if you don't count the requisite weigh-in before the visit. I am grossly overweight and it's my goal now to lose 40lbs in 6 months. I am determined, I CAN do it. As I sit here eating my pizza and sucking down the last of a delicious chocolate shake I am reminded of all the great doers this country has seen. I can do this. No where's my elipitcal machine? AH! There it is, now I need to find another place for these coats.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Our new family picture.
Tell the truth, if you HAD to imagine what a,...oh I dunno....cookie jar with glasses would look like, that guy in the middle would JUST about cover it, right?
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