CONGRATULATIONS PENS!!!!!!

Just like in 1979 Pittsburgh is the City Of Champions again after the second major sports team in town, the Pittsburgh Penguins won a championship this year!

Better off

I would never pronounce someone "better off dead" at their passing. I think death is a loss fealt by many people and no one really is better off.

Then there is David Carradine who was found hanging in an apparent "auto-erotic asphyxiation attempt. I initially felt sad for the former Kung Fu star but then I thought about it. What if that was it for him. What if he had done every crazy, wild, hair up your ass sexual deviancy and they did nothing for him and THIS...was it.

I mean can you imagine, he's sitting in a hotel in Bankok (now to be known as CHOKEkok...bah dum boom PEEESH!) and he's looking at a list of things he's done evaluating his next step. "Let's see,....gerbil up the ass..CHECK, done that. Car battery clamps on the nipples...CHECK, done that. Curling iron up the ass while making love to a pie...CHECK. WAIT!!! I know!! I could tie a rope around my neck AND my junk....strangle myself......how could I NOT do it!!".

So you see, there was nothing left in the world for this man to do. He had gotten to a point where choking off the blood supply to his brain while masturbating was the only way he could face the day. I would imagine that finding his 72 year old nude body in a Bankok hotel room with his neck and junk tied by the authorities was NOT his intended outcome but perhaps had he grown tired of the old Mom and Pop auto-erotic asphyxiation, maybe public humilation while doing it would have been next. So long David Carradine.........we hardly knew ye.

Old noises

You'd think I use my iPod on my eliptical machine because I enjoy the rhythm and pace the music lets me go at. Wrong. I'm 43 and out of shape. I get my iPod because it is extremely disheartening to hear my knees crack as they move. And it's not a slight noise either. It's a noise so loud that were someone to walk in the room while my knees were making their noise, I would have to say that my immediate reaction would be to loudly cough over them to disguise the noise.

But I must continue the charade. Exercise to feel good, eat to feel better, and look in the mirror after a shower NEVER!! Who ever invented the full length bathroom mirror should have his nuts ripped off. I look like the bizarre offspring of an elderly Ryan Oneil and a manatee.

I just can't get into the diet thing again. If I had to give some reasons it would be that diets lack taste, they're too complicated, and pizza just plain f**kin' rules! I mean COME ON!! Pizza is a relentless bitch godess that haunts me and calls my name. "Ray....I'm so cheesey,..you'll erase all I've done to you with that jowl work you keep threatening your wife you're gonna get anyway! Go for it!".

So my knees will continue their symphony of age and lethargy. After all, I am a man. And by nature we all assume...few pushups.....the occasional jog, hey....i'm not so bad!

May 17th

Lost you two years ago today Barbie..........I miss you.

Got any CD's?

procrastinator
A noun
1 procrastinator, postponer, cunctator
someone who postpones work (especially out of laziness or habitual carelessness) OR...my daughter at naptime.

The lengths at which my daughter will go to fib to defer the inevitabe, a nap, if it wasn't directed at me would be quite impressive. She is quite relentless. It is no coincidence that the only time she's spot on about telling us she needs to go to the potty is when she's lying in bed being put down for a nap. Then the snowjob starts. "I have to go tinkle". Then it's decision time for us. DON'T put her on and we may miss a chance to reiforce the potty, she really might have to go. But 99.999% of the time, she's playing us. The potty is just one thing she knows we'll drop everything for. I'm waiting for her to one day shout "LET'S PLAY PICTIONARY!" or "I HAVE THE NEW SEASON OF ENTOURAGE!!....I wanna see what happens to that douche-bag Vince!". ANYTHING to get out of a nap.

This is where, as God as my witness, I just don't get kids. I would snitch on a close freind, kick over an elderly person, anything you ask me to do if it would get me 15-20 minutes of good uninterrupted sleep. It's almost a given that if I need a nap on the weekend and I am counting on my daughter to nap at the same time, the majority of those times I'll get like 5 minutes before she decides she's had enough. I'd like to expound more on this but it's late...........and I could use a nap!

Fun happens, it's not planned

I go into special occasions with the best of intentions. I want that perfect card, that perfect evening, and though that may sound slightly less than masculine (and HUGELY gay) it's not. It's my competitive nature that makes me want to, at the end of the night go "See! Look what I did!".

But the most memorable days I've had with my wife have come from those times when we just took a drive, showed up 5 minutes before a movie started, beat up a hobo, you know, fun stuff.

So for our 15th wedding annivesary, the only real "planning" I did was to take the day off and ask my wife to see if my in-laws could watch our daughter for the night. I knew two things, I wanted to buy my wife an anniversary present and I wanted to eat.

Ever see those Jared The Galleria of Jewelery commercials? It's always two Yentas (Shalom to my Hebrew bruthas) talking about their Yenta freind who brow beat some poor slob into buying something for her at this place with the tag line "He went to Jared!". After going there myself, I'm guessing he left pissed. Jewelery sales people are usually on you like stink on a monkey from the moment you set foot in the store. Not these guys. My wife is looking at saphire (her birthstone) rings and I'm looking at two thousand dollar watches and NOBODY bats an eye at us, which really pissed me off because I lettered in eye-batting in high school!

So we go to Macy's and my wife finds a very nice yellow gold ring with saphires on it. Very nice. Was it too much? You betcha. But you only have this milestone once. Next it was "What do YOU want".

I "thought" I wanted an iPod Touch. My buddy John has been raving about his and he's usually pretty good on what's worth it and what's not. But I really have not been that gadgety lately and I'm happy with my crappy old iPod (and its black and white display..."EEEeew!"). So my wife suggested a watch. Macy's had men's watches but they were from Guess and Fossil and I just cant be 43 and wear a Fossil watch, no matter HOW nice the day-glow peace sign is on it. I know, I'm picky, right?

So I decide if I'm gettig a watch, it's gotta be one I will NOT lose or neglect. Which means, something pricey. I immediately gravited towards Tag Heuer, makers of fine Swiss watches and i'm sure in some capacity, chocolate. Don't they ALL make chocolate over there?

So we go to Littman's and sonofagun, they have them. Now, I had NO clue how much they cost, I just knew they were a prestigious name. The first one I look at...ah..NICE...eleven hundred dollars. We'll just be putting you RIGHT back now. I did happen to come during a sale, some they were discontinuing were %50 percent off! I saw a blue one, I really liked it. And that's saying a lot. I'm not into flashy things. But this watch (this is it by the way) stood out to me. So we thank the nice salesperson and split. NO WAY was I going to be able to get that watch, even at %50 off!

So we go, have a nice lunch, and soon enough we are back and I decide to go for it. I was nervous as hell. Then my wife said something that relaxed me. She said "If this was a PC, you wouldn't even be blinking now". She was right. Hell, I'd be upset at the cost only because I'd know that it wouldnt' be as fast as I wanted it to be BECAUSE it was cheap, well, cheap for PC's.

Then the financing questions started. "This extended warranty plan will pay for itself" to which I added "Can it? Can it in fact, just pay for itself?" I said smiling. Jewlery sales people aren't the best jokers. So, we didn't have that great fantastic evening I had hoped for but I got to spend time with my best freind in the whole wide world and she got something that she'll remember this milestone and so did I. Today, I was a lucky guy.

Catch me on my cell!

There are very few times I get to listen to the radio in the morning. My radio has been taken over by my three year old who is slowly torturing me with The Wiggles. I'm happy she likes music but even the music I listen to will eventually drive me to want to put an ice pick through my temple if I listen to it too much. I am at that point with most toddler music.

But anyway, the one rare time I got to listen to the radio the other day the morning DJs were talking about cell phone pet peeves and one of them was using the cell phone in the grocery store. This, I am guilty of and I would hazard to guess the grocery store cell phone call has saved many a marraige by clarifying badly written lists...."Oh,...I thought you meant TABLE napkins...my bad".

But today I was picking up things on a list I myself was having trouble reading("What the hell is a LAMpon") and I heard a rare gem of a cell phone call. At first I heard this guy talking about hotel reservations and I'm thinking "Well, this guy is some executive who has to multi-task". Ah..no. I round the corner and see it's just some fat schlub with a ski jacket on making plans with his freind. And then he says something, I swear to you, I am gonna hark back on the rest of my life when I need a good laugh.

The deal was, he was trying to connect with a freind and was debating flying versus driving. His logic went like this,....not making this up..."No man, you have to fly because driving is too long. What? No, listen..it's like this...."A"...if you drive, you'll be too tired to do anything and "2"...you'll never....". What?!!?!? In what bizarre school for the galatically stupid do you emphasize points with "A" then "2". I swear, i wanted to stop everybody I saw and go "Did you HEAR this clown?". But I didn't, I was too busy talking on MY cell verifying the type of bread I needed to buy.

Let the games begin.....and end quickly for me....

Hooray!!! Both my wife's alma mater (Pitt) and mine (Robert Morris) are in the NCAA tournement. For my school, it's been years since they seen the tournement. I'm thinking I have to place an intra-marraige wager with my significant other. How quickly, will MY school get their ass handed to them. WE SHALL SEE!!!!

Mattress Shopping

When we got the crib for our baby I can remember looking at dozens of them and ultimately we settled for the one that had the most functionality. Because of it's adjustability, this one would convert from a crib to a day bed to an adult bed with the addition of bed rails. About a year ago we converted it from a crib into a day bed and that's what she's been sleeping in and to tell you the truth, it's never seemed to be right for her.

I mean, what "is" a day bed. It brings to mind conversations of "Oh sure Cousin Ethel, you can stay with us. We'll fix up the "day bed" for you. Or "Honey, that bum is down on his luck, SURELY we can put him up in our "day bed". For my money, if it's not a bed, it's lumped in with hammocks, sleeping bags, and the dreaded futon.

So we went shopping for her "big girl" bed on Saturday. As soon as we set foot in the store we are met with an overy made-up woman, late 50's, who practically ignores me. She wanted to talk to the decision maker....which of course......isn't me. We take a short trip up the escalator and here's where she got creepy. Keep in mind.......we JUST met this lady not 45 seconds ago. "Yes, they do grow up quick don't they. I think it's eaiser with girls. I mean don't get me wrong, you have to worry about both of them...with my boys I just would yell......wear a raincoat.....wear a raincoat!". So I wait.....five, four, three, two....what?! No look?! I was SO waiting for my wife to turn around and look at me so we could share a couple's "What the FUCK?!" momemnt. But I had to pretty much put a cap on it for her and affirm that yes,...she did hear what she thought she heard.

For my money, this is a definate A+ sales pitch. Why I remember when we bought our last SUV. The first thing the salesperson did was open the hatch and go "Look at that space, why,...you could easily nail a stewardess there and still have enough room for the Cuban boy who sold you both ecstasy to videotape it for you!". Sold!

Flash foward to the display floor and we are left to look by ourselves without the help of Dr. Ruth. I sense my little girl growing disinterested fast so I take her to this big wooden ship thing they have for kids to climb on. Everything goes great for a while, she's having fun, I'm having fun watching her.....she's clutching a used drinking straw....I'm having...WHAT THE SHIT?!?! PUT THAT DOWN!!! It was getting so a furniture store couldn't hold a three year old's interest. I mean come on!!!

My wife, the decision maker, comes back and we're set to go. Next stop! The department store where we can buy the video we promised her for going pottie!! This is the circle of life. When you're young, this is celebrated. When you're old like me, this is met with a can of Lysol in the face. Hey, sue me,...I like Mexican.

An Upcoming Milestone

I write this at what I hope to be the absolute low point of the negotiations as to what me and my wife hope to do for our fifteen year anniversary. It's gone from a lost weekend in Vegas to lunch. Rax I suggested? This got me banished downstairs and onto the computer.

That's right, fifteen years! You,.. the kid who stumbled upon this blog after looking for the latest on Hannah Montanna (15 years ago that mention was Debbie Gibson), YOU weren't even around then.

Let me be clear, I forget dates very easily. My wife bought me a datebook once to keep track of important events - I lost it. Oh how I wished I was there as some stranger picked it up hoping to see the secret life of a Wall Street power broker or a busy doctor only to see entries like "Tuesday - tape Bugs Bunny marathon, buy Zingers at the store".

But this date had my attention for a while. I can remember aspiring to a trip to Europe for our 10th. Surely, I thought at the time, only a total LOON wouldn't be able to save up for that milestone with the time I gave us? Well, call me Mr. Loon. But fifteen years gave me pause for reflection. We had to do something special.

I initially wanted a visit to Vegas. Our last trip to Vegas was sort of a family outing. My wife was pregnant with our three year old at the time. We had found out only weeks before. We would have won at one of the tables but the baby kicked and ruined my pefect pair of 6's. Not buying it? Well, neither did the pit boss. What a time, she was eating for two and I was doing my part and drinking for two. Ah memories. No really.....I'm sad about that, I have no memories. GOD I was toasted. But I digress.

The issue is, what do we do with our daughter. Our daughter means the world to us but I want one night where we can just be us again. So it's gone from Vegas, to a weekend at a nice hotel, to now dinner. I had to stress dinner to my wife. We both have off that day and she suggested a nice lunch. Lunch? So fifteen years and it's "hoagies for two?!". No way, it will be nice and memorable or my name isn't,...isn't...wait..you know I really should get into a program. I haven't a clue what my name is, or that talking rabbit next to me either.

The bottom line is I want it to be special because for some reason unbeknownst to me, the man upstairs decided to do one giant thing right for me and pointed me towards someone who would become my best friend and the mother of my little 3-year old angel who is my light and never ending joy. Fifteen years isn't much when you think of our parents, but you can't swing a dead cat today without finding someone who's been through a divorce. Oh and by the way, beating someone with a dead cat at least in this state is DEFINITE grounds for divorce. Anybody can have a wife, I have a partner and a friend. And on top of that, a friend who'll look the other way as I steal a $20 from her purse. Ah, amour!